Do go together
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Blessings
It's about 10pm. I just sat down at my desk because I felt like blogging. I stared at the empty computer screen for awhile, and then I stared some more. So I thought to myself, I have nothing to say. No tales of Emergency Room visits, tests, hospital visits, or any other kind of drama. I am healthy. My baby is alive and kicking (all day long today, fiercely even), my son is healthy, and so is my husband. All of it is so much more than I could have ever asked for. Peace in this house tonight. Just peace and quiet.
I've been thinking lately about where I was a year and half ago. It seems like a century ago. All I wanted then was to stop bleeding, to raise my son and live. I wasn't asking God for babies, material things or really anything like that. I just wanted to live, and I wanted to be healthy again.
I couldn't imagine then that this is where I might be today. I am more than just alive. We are expecting another baby in March, my husband is working close to home (so we get to see him more), Ethan is healthy and happy (for the most part at least ;) ), and I am healthy. God answered my prayers and then some.
So tonight, while I have no dramatic news, I have an answer to prayer, even better than what I'd hoped. My heart is full, and God is good. And tonight, I'm feeling so blessed and thankful for the lack of drama.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Well done, good and faithful servant
I still cannot fathom that there is a living, healthy, growing baby swimming around in me right now. I suppose that is just a normal feeling after a couple of losses. It is hard to believe sometimes, but I cannot deny the little kicks and punches I'm feeling in my belly. It is a strange but familiar feeling. It doesn't feel real, but then it does at the same time. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me.
This pregnancy has definitely been different than the others. It has been harder. Some days, even though I'm 18 weeks, I still feel like I'm in my first trimester. As exhausting as it is, that fact has been a comfort. I know things are going the way they are supposed to.
I love this baby, and it makes me wonder, how is that possible? How can you love someone so much that you've never met? It is amazing the way God has designed the bond between a mother and child to begin long before they ever meet one another face to face.
I have never seen God (obviously), and I've never heard his voice, or felt his touch, but I do know He is there. There is so much evidence in my own life alone that has proven that fact to me on a daily basis. He preserves, protects me, and allows me to wake up and live everyday. He has given me multitudes more than I've ever needed or deserved and prevented me from having so many things that I wanted but shouldn't have had. I have never been deprived by Him.
If I'm amazed at how much I love this baby, how much more amazing is it that God loves me the way He does? There are days when we give in to our children. We might give in because we just love seeing them happy even if it only lasts for a minute or we are exhausted and just want to hear them stop whining. Sometimes we give in, and it just plain isn't good for them. I am God's child, and I whine too. I whine for things that I want because I want them, even if they aren't good for me. But God NEVER gives in when it isn't good for us. He is a Father who loves us enough not to give us everything we whine for, and he does it BECAUSE He is good.
It is such a painful, difficult thing to watch your child suffer or get hurt. We know though that it shapes their character. They need to fall off their bike a few times, to get boo boos, to lose their soccer game, to get socked by another toddler because they grabbed a toy from another boy's hands. We know that it will prepare them for the harder times that they will encounter later on in life: rejection, loss, failure. Our Father, the One who loves us even more than we love our own babies, doesn't like to see us in pain either, but He knows we need it to grow. Can He stop the pain? Can He prevent the loss? Could He make us succeed instead of allowing us to fail? Of course He can, but He loves us enough not to.
I buck against Him and His plans for me, but deep inside I know whatever those plans are, they are for my good. And let's be honest, I have learned the hard way, what other choice do I have? I can't change His plans for me, so should I wallow in sadness and pity or bitterness and anger, or allow myself to be stretched, broken, to ultimately grow? It has taken me way too long to realize I need to let go of my desire to be in control. I know He loves me enough to allow me to suffer because He wants me to grow. I know He wants me to grow ultimately to be more like Jesus. And I know it is all part of His master plan to prepare me for Him and so that one day I will see His face and He will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." (Matthew 25:23 ESV)
This pregnancy has definitely been different than the others. It has been harder. Some days, even though I'm 18 weeks, I still feel like I'm in my first trimester. As exhausting as it is, that fact has been a comfort. I know things are going the way they are supposed to.
I love this baby, and it makes me wonder, how is that possible? How can you love someone so much that you've never met? It is amazing the way God has designed the bond between a mother and child to begin long before they ever meet one another face to face.
I have never seen God (obviously), and I've never heard his voice, or felt his touch, but I do know He is there. There is so much evidence in my own life alone that has proven that fact to me on a daily basis. He preserves, protects me, and allows me to wake up and live everyday. He has given me multitudes more than I've ever needed or deserved and prevented me from having so many things that I wanted but shouldn't have had. I have never been deprived by Him.
If I'm amazed at how much I love this baby, how much more amazing is it that God loves me the way He does? There are days when we give in to our children. We might give in because we just love seeing them happy even if it only lasts for a minute or we are exhausted and just want to hear them stop whining. Sometimes we give in, and it just plain isn't good for them. I am God's child, and I whine too. I whine for things that I want because I want them, even if they aren't good for me. But God NEVER gives in when it isn't good for us. He is a Father who loves us enough not to give us everything we whine for, and he does it BECAUSE He is good.
It is such a painful, difficult thing to watch your child suffer or get hurt. We know though that it shapes their character. They need to fall off their bike a few times, to get boo boos, to lose their soccer game, to get socked by another toddler because they grabbed a toy from another boy's hands. We know that it will prepare them for the harder times that they will encounter later on in life: rejection, loss, failure. Our Father, the One who loves us even more than we love our own babies, doesn't like to see us in pain either, but He knows we need it to grow. Can He stop the pain? Can He prevent the loss? Could He make us succeed instead of allowing us to fail? Of course He can, but He loves us enough not to.
I buck against Him and His plans for me, but deep inside I know whatever those plans are, they are for my good. And let's be honest, I have learned the hard way, what other choice do I have? I can't change His plans for me, so should I wallow in sadness and pity or bitterness and anger, or allow myself to be stretched, broken, to ultimately grow? It has taken me way too long to realize I need to let go of my desire to be in control. I know He loves me enough to allow me to suffer because He wants me to grow. I know He wants me to grow ultimately to be more like Jesus. And I know it is all part of His master plan to prepare me for Him and so that one day I will see His face and He will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." (Matthew 25:23 ESV)
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