What's In a Name?

A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting my parents.  Unexpectedly, my Mom took me aside and gave me what has become one of the greatest gifts I've ever received - my Grandma's Bible.  As my Mom handed it to me she said, "I thought you could use this right now.  It seems like the perfect time to give it to you."  I felt my eyes well up with tears at the sentimentality of it.  My Grandma was one of the most precious, influential people in my life.  Next to this last year, losing her was the most difficult trial on this earth that I've endured.  Little did I know how affected I would be by this book in the days to come.

The next day I perused the well worn pages of her Bible, anticipating hundreds of passages highlighted, underlined and covered in her notes.  I couldn't have been more accurate in my estimations.  I knew my Grandma well; her life was a beautiful picture of God's Word.  She lived it every single day.  I came to the spot where her bookmark was, which was tattered with use, and saw that it was Psalm 25. There was a note written and dated September 18th, 1994, one week before she passed away that read "How true it has been this year."  Next to the note verses 16 through 18 were underlined: "Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Oh, bring me out of my distresses!  Look on my affliction and my pain, And forgive all my sins."  I was emotional to say the least.

I knew that my Grandma suffered for many long years, being told her husband would die too many times to count, while instead enduring the life of being wife to a husband who spent a greater portion of the time in and out of hospitals and surgeries.  I knew it was difficult for her, but I never really understood.  I couldn't.  No one could.  As an adult now, I imagine that there were countless other trials she faced that she never shared or complained about.  That was just her way.  Elspeth Ferrier didn't worry about Elspeth Ferrier outside of her prayer closet.  She was too busy caring for her severely ill husband, working, preparing meals for the sick at church, spending time with her grandchildren (who never lacked her attention) and hosting numerous church functions and meetings in her home.  I'm really getting to see that now through the pages of her Bible.  This was a woman who suffered privately for most of her married life, but she did it so graciously.

My Grandma didn't know 15 years ago that today my eyes would scan those very same pages, that my tears would weep over the same spots that hers did, and that I would glean so much encouragement and wisdom in her blessed hand written notes in the margins...but God knew.  He planned it that way.  My parents didn't know 28 years ago that when they gave me the middle name Elspeth it would have such a deep and personal meaning, but God knew.  He planned it that way.

There is something so precious in knowing that I have suffered this much, but so did she.  She did it with such dignity, so quietly, so selflessly, all the while exhibiting Christ in so many ways.  I am ashamed, to say the least, that I have not followed in her footsteps so closely, but by God's grace in the years to come I would like Him to help me change that.  I would like to live up to my middle name, Elspeth and I would like to know that if Elspeth Ferrier were here, she would be proud that I carry her name.   

"To trust only when times are favourable, is to sail only with the wind and tide, to believe only when we can see."

("The 'I Wills' of the Psalms" - P.B. Power)

"Hallelujah Grace like rain falls down on me."

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God's Waiting Room

It is hard for me to type the words, let alone think them.  Our baby is not viable.  My doctors' suspicions were confirmed yesterday.  After an ultrasound, which took 15 minutes but seemed like forever, we were informed that our precious 16 week old baby has a two vessel umbilical cord (should be three), a heart defect, an obstruction in the intestines, half of one leg and no kidneys.  There is almost no fluid around the baby (because there are no kidneys).  This was the most difficult ultrasound I've ever had.  I could see that the baby was not really moving because there was obviously no room to move with the lack of fluid.  His little heart was still beating away though.

I'm yet again in a minority of people.  The doctor at the ultrasound said that in his 30 years of experience he has never seen a baby survive in the uterus this long with so many problems.  I suppose that in itself is a miracle.  I don't understand God's plan; I know that his ways are so much greater than mine could ever be.  Still, I can't help but admit that it is so difficult to accept.

I wonder if the baby is suffering.  All of the organs are there (the ones that actually developed when they were supposed to anyway), and I guess there must be nerves there too.  The baby is squished in there with no real room to move, and with so many things going wrong inside his little body, is it hurting him?

One of the hardest parts in all of this is knowing that although this child is still growing inside me, and I am his mother, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to help him.  I can't even cuddle him in my arms and let him know I'm here and that I love him and that I would do anything just to be able to protect him from what is to come.  I can't keep him safe.

Needless to say the doctor has recommended that we terminate the pregnancy.  I think it goes without saying that is not an option and never will be. There are so many unknowns ahead of us. Again, my health is at risk, my fertility is at risk, we have many decisions that will need to be made, and as Grandma Ferrier spent most of her adult life saying "We are in God's waiting room."

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The Struggle

I have been wondering for weeks now the longer my pregnancy progresses, if it will get more difficult or will I just sort of go numb, like being in survival mode? To be honest I had hoped for the numbness over the difficulty. As it turns out, there is no numbness. Instead, a deeper love and attachment to my baby grows inside of me each day I see my belly growing.

I am not sure if I'm wrong in feeling that way. I just know it has been one year since the last time I found out I was pregnant and all of the life-changing events that followed. If I took all the suffering in my lifetime and combined it and compared it to all of the suffering of the last year, there would still be no comparison. There is this huge part of me that is saying "How long, oh Lord?" It is hard to imagine that I will be able to handle what is to come; my single comfort is that God will give me grace to deal with whatever it is.

Everyday is unique. Some days I feel so empowered by God, and I just think "I can do this. He will give me the strength." There are other days, most days, that I'm fighting a war. Those are the days that I open the cabinet in my kitchen to get Ethan's sippy cup, my breast pump catches my eye and I can feel my heart break. Or I see a movie where a mother is in labor, and I feel my eyes well up with tears when her child enters the world. Or I see a very pregnant woman in the mall and can't help but wonder "Will I make it that far? Will my baby make it that far?"... Then God reminds me of the precious gift I'm carrying in that moment as I feel my little one move inside me.

Today I am just grateful that I know His power is made perfect in my weakness because I am utterly helpless and weak on my own.

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Dear Baby:

I went to the doctor to hear your heartbeat today.  As usual, the doctor had no trouble finding that blessed sound.  When I got home and pulled into the garage I felt you moving for the first time.  I have been wondering whether or not I would get to experience the joy of feeling your first movements.  Even with just your tiny arms it is obvious you are doing big things in there.  I can already tell that you are a very active little one; you've been squirming around so much all day. :)

I want you to know something.  Although you don't have legs, your body is perfect.  And it is perfect because God made it the way that he did. He formed every single intricate part of you just the right way.  God's Word says that He "formed [your] inward parts; [He] knitted [you] together in [my] womb."  Isn't that just incredible?

I hope that some day I can meet you and that we can praise Him together for how "fearfully and wonderfully made" you are.  I haven't gotten to hug you and kiss your little cheeks, but I love you already.  You are so precious to me, you are my little miracle.  Everyday I get to spend carrying you is such a gift, and I am privileged to be your Mama.  I am so blessed that God chose me for you.

I can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Mama