Worlds Apart

Almost 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. That was the day my body began going through the process of miscarrying my little one, and that was the day my world started to "tear apart."  


I was listening to Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart" today.  Since the moment I first heard it it has carried a special significance for me, but today I was overwhelmed even more so than I usually am by it.  I couldn't listen to it without getting emotional.  And today I realized something was different.  I was just completely awe struck with the fact that God has done so unbelievably much in my life recently. 


The last several months have been by far some of the most difficult of my life, but I am also convinced that the last several months have played a tremendous role in my growth as a Christian.  I can say with confidence that "sanctification-wise" this has been one of the most influential periods of my life.  I have never loved Christ as much as I do today.  God has used the loss of a child, life threatening medical issues, personal struggles with fear and anxiety, a large stack of medical bills on my desk and being faced with the possibility that I may not have anymore children to truly "take my world apart."   


I feel His presence so strongly today.  Honestly, I don't know if I would be in this place spiritually had I not been brought to my knees the way I have.  But I know His truth, THE truth.  I know that His purposes are greater than mine, and I know that the purpose of this life isn't for me to get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after (not that there's anything wrong with that).  No, it is so much greater than that.  My purpose is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him.  I have always struggled with letting go and giving certain areas of my life to Him.  There has been so much I've wanted and so much that I think I just - expected.  But my life is not my own, and the harder I tug and hold on to the things that are so valuable and precious to me, the more He is gently loosening my grip.  I am really beginning to see the beauty of God's plan for me and the beauty of giving in and giving it all to Him. 


Here is an excerpt of "Worlds Apart" that really got me reflecting on all of this:


"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"

Dear Mom...

You carried me for 9 months in your womb, 9 months of morning sickness and a hospital stay for dehydration.  You survived the sleepless nights and thousands of dirty diapers.  You wiped my tears when I cried.  I scraped my knees and you kissed my "boo boos."  You sang to me.  You sang with me.  You held my hand.  When I was afraid you made me feel safe.  You have been my encourager, my protector, my disciplinarian, my biggest supporter.  You were there for every soccer game, every concert, every school play, every emergency room visit and every adolescent disaster.  You sacrificed so much so that I would never have to be without.  You prayed...and prayed...and prayed...and prayed.  You knew when to say yes.  You knew when to say no (even when you didn't want to).  You knew when it was time to let go.  You juggled 4 children, a job, a home, a husband, being your parents' caretaker, the PTA, church committees, being the girls youth group leader, and you somehow still always managed to have time for me.  You always made me feel special.  You listened to my problems, and though they were so small at the time, you loved me enough not to minimize them.  You gave the best advice.  I could trust you with anything.  When I suffered, so did you.  You have wept silent tears for me that I still do not even know about.  You have listened to my fears, reassured me, and reminded me that God is always in control.  You have hugged me and made me feel loved for as long as I can remember.

Being a mother myself now I am sure there is so much you have done for me that I am not even aware of.  But of what I know, I am in awe.  You are deserving of so much honor. You did it all, and you did it with a smile.  I am amazed, and as I raise my own child I am learning even more everyday just how much you have done for me.  I am so grateful that God chose YOU to be my Mom.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all."  Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:28-30)

You truly have the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman.  I am praising God for you today.  Thank you for being my Mom.

Love,
Megan