Mercy

Last week, December 7th, my husband, my son and I grieved the loss of our beloved Walter again. It has been one year, and sometimes it is still so fresh. It just doesn't seem that long ago...

We decided to get a grave blanket for Christmas and his birthday. Believe it or not, we are only just now considering his headstone. (I cannot describe to you how hard it is to pick your child's headstone. There is something so final about it). I anticipated a very difficult situation at the cemetery. The last time I had spent any real time there I realized how bad it was for the sake of my soul and planned to stay away for awhile, but I needed - I wanted to do this.

God granted us the perfect weather to reflect our emotions that day. It was dark, raining heavily and cold. I was not prepared at all for what was in store for us that afternoon.

Aron put the grave blanket down, while Ethan ran around looking at and touching everything. We'd spent enough time there for him to know it was "baby Walter's grave," not that he knows fully what that means. I don't know that a 2 year old can comprehend death. Aron and I stood there,our hands intertwined looking down at where our second son's soulless body was buried, and just when the tears were really about to flow, I asked Ethan to stand by us. He took my hand, swung from it and began to sing, and at that moment the child inside me began to move vigorously. What a mix of emotion - grief and sadness for my Walter, but an overwhelming flood of gratitude and love. My husband held my right hand, my son held my left, and our next child was making his/her presence known in my womb. I was totally and completely overwhelmed in that moment by His grace, love and mercy. It was an extraordinary beautiful and warm moment in the midst of our sorrow. The three of us sang a hymn together and headed back to the car. When we got into the car, we wept. None of this was easy exactly, but God was present. There was no doubt about it.

Cranberry Pistachio Biscotti (Healthified)

For anyone who gets the All You Magazine, the December issue has some very promising holiday recipes. I saw this one and had to try it.

I did make a couple changes to make it healthier (substituted whole wheat flour for the all-purpose, egg whites for the whole eggs and I used organic cane sugar).  It is super easy and delicious.

I'm excited to try some of their other recipes!

Apples and Ketchup...

Do go together

Blessings

It's about 10pm.  I just sat down at my desk because I felt like blogging.  I stared at the empty computer screen for awhile, and then I stared some more.  So I thought to myself, I have nothing to say.  No tales of Emergency Room visits, tests, hospital visits, or any other kind of drama.  I am healthy.  My baby is alive and kicking (all day long today, fiercely even), my son is healthy, and so is my husband.  All of it is so much more than I could have ever asked for.  Peace in this house tonight.  Just peace and quiet.

I've been thinking lately about where I was a year and half ago.  It seems like a century ago.  All I wanted then was to stop bleeding, to raise my son and live.  I wasn't asking God for babies, material things or really anything like that.  I just wanted to live, and I wanted to be healthy again.  

I couldn't imagine then that this is where I might be today.  I am more than just alive.  We are expecting another baby in March, my husband is working close to home (so we get to see him more), Ethan is healthy and happy (for the most part at least ;) ), and I am healthy.  God answered my prayers and then some.

So tonight, while I have no dramatic news, I have an answer to prayer, even better than what I'd hoped.  My heart is full, and God is good.  And tonight, I'm feeling so blessed and thankful for the lack of drama.   

Well done, good and faithful servant

I still cannot fathom that there is a living, healthy, growing baby swimming around in me right now.  I suppose that is just a normal feeling after a couple of losses.  It is hard to believe sometimes, but I cannot deny the little kicks and punches I'm feeling in my belly.  It is a strange but familiar feeling.  It doesn't feel real, but then it does at the same time.  I'm sure that doesn't make sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me.

This pregnancy has definitely been different than the others.  It has been harder.  Some days, even though I'm 18 weeks, I still feel like I'm in my first trimester.  As exhausting as it is, that fact has been a comfort.  I know things are going the way they are supposed to.

I love this baby, and it makes me wonder, how is that possible?  How can you love someone so much that you've never met?  It is amazing the way God has designed the bond between a mother and child to begin long before they ever meet one another face to face.

I have never seen God (obviously), and I've never heard his voice, or felt his touch, but I do know He is there.  There is so much evidence in my own life alone that has proven that fact to me on a daily basis.  He preserves, protects me, and allows me to wake up and live everyday.  He has given me multitudes more than I've ever needed or deserved and prevented me from having so many things that I wanted but shouldn't have had.  I have never been deprived by Him.

If I'm amazed at how much I love this baby, how much more amazing is it that God loves me the way He does?  There are days when we give in to our children.  We might give in because we just love seeing them happy even if it only lasts for a minute or we are exhausted and just want to hear them stop whining.  Sometimes we give in, and it just plain isn't good for them.  I am God's child, and I whine too.  I whine for things that I want because I want them, even if they aren't good for me.  But God NEVER gives in when it isn't good for us.  He is a Father who loves us enough not to give us everything we whine for, and he does it BECAUSE He is good.

It is such a painful, difficult thing to watch your child suffer or get hurt.  We know though that it shapes their character.  They need to fall off their bike a few times, to get boo boos, to lose their soccer game, to get socked by another toddler because they grabbed a toy from another boy's hands.  We know that it will prepare them for the harder times that they will encounter later on in life: rejection, loss, failure.  Our Father, the One who loves us even more than we love our own babies, doesn't like to see us in pain either, but He knows we need it to grow.  Can He stop the pain?  Can He prevent the loss?  Could He make us succeed instead of allowing us to fail?  Of course He can, but He loves us enough not to.   

I buck against Him and His plans for me, but deep inside I know whatever those plans are, they are for my good.  And let's be honest, I have learned the hard way, what other choice do I have?  I can't change His plans for me, so should I wallow in sadness and pity or bitterness and anger, or allow myself to be stretched, broken, to ultimately grow?  It has taken me way too long to realize I need to let go of my desire to be in control.  I know He loves me enough to allow me to suffer because He wants me to grow.  I know He wants me to grow ultimately to be more like Jesus.  And I know it is all part of His master plan to prepare me for Him and so that one day I will see His face and He will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." (Matthew 25:23 ESV)

Our Next Baby at 16 weeks

Moms Who Do It All...And Do It WELL

I am so far from the perfect wife, mother and homemaker. I don't have five kids each between 18 and 24 months apart sitting at the breakfast table at 7 am, all bathed, dressed and ready for the day. My house is messy. My kitchen counter is almost always a disaster, laundry sitting in baskets unfolded, crumbs and peanut butter and jelly smudges all over the dining room table, Cheerios or cracker crumbs on the floor and toys spread out all over the house. Don't get me wrong.  I try.  My vacuum is on at least once every day or so, but 24 hours later it looks the way it did 24 hours earlier.  I'm lucky if I've already gone to the gym and showered before lunchtime. I don't wake up before my son and my husband with coffee, orange juice, and breakfast already made for them before they are up.  I wish I could say the opposite.

You know that image of the woman from the 1950's, the one where she's vacuuming the house in heels, a cute dress, hair done, makeup impeccable, and has probably a 21 inch waist? Well, that's not me. If I'm home and vacuuming I'm probably in my pajamas or sweatpants. 

In the Christian culture, the Proverbs 31 woman is our ultimate goal. It is the image that every Bible believing Christian woman strives to attain and with good reason. If God says this is what He wants us to be, then this is what we must strive for.  It is pretty much non-negotiable.

Life is messy and exhausting, both mentally and physically for most mothers. I am so very blessed that my husband can provide enough so that I can stay home and raise our son. These days that is almost unheard of. Still, I can get so overwhelmed. It can be lonely being home often for days on end while my husband is away for work (he has to travel fairly often). I love my son and he is my joy, but being a parent alone most days of the week, without getting much if any time alone and running a house...well, it is hard sometimes.

I am sure that many women who read this would say "Ha! I would love to have your life. I work all day, have to keep a home and take care of my kids and husband."  I am frequently disappointed with myself because I look around me and see women working, raising multiple children, somehow managing to cook dinner, keep a house clean and still have time for leisurely activities, their spouse and applying makeup and actually styling their hair everyday.  I often think, how do they do it?  I only have one child.  He's 2 and half, not an infant, not requiring feedings every couple of hours.  He plays well by himself, and he's grown to be somewhat independent already.

So why does it all seem so overwhelming sometimes? Why can't I be the super woman that I've seen my Mom, my mother in law, my sister in law and so many others be? I've got it pretty easy. 

For those of you who have kids and still manage to do it all, I tip my hat to you.  You are a super mom.  Keep up the good work, and please - if you have any secrets feel free to share them with me.  I could use the help, especially since I've got another one on the way.

(Don't get me wrong.  I'm grateful to have the life I do.  God has been so good and blessed me with so much, but I would love to be "better" at it).