When My Desires Become Demands

What do you desire?  A new job, recognition, children, a spouse, money, a house, a car?  Many of our desires can be Godly.  There is nothing wrong with wanting children, someone to share your life with or a nice place to live in.  These desires only become wrong when they become our focus, when they take the place of God in our heart.

Do you ever find yourself longing to steal away to spend a few moments with God?  Sometimes, throughout the day I will be struck with this feeling.  It is similar to the feeling I get when I am anticipating an evening out with my husband, knowing our son will be with a babysitter and we will have no expectations of us except to focus completely on each other.  It is one of my favorite things to do, to just "be" with my husband.  But I have to ask myself, is it that way with God and me?  Do I truly long for Him?  To be with Him?  To communicate, get to know Him, meditate on Him?  He is my Father, my Redeemer, the one man who can and has saved me from eternal damnation, and who has prepared an eternal place for me in Heaven with Him.  No one in this life has or can even come close to the place that He should have in my life.  I say "should" because although I have those times throughout the day that I wish I could spend with Him, they still do not happen quite as often as they should or as I'd like them to.  I would say that I have a long way to go regarding this area.  Thank the Lord for sanctification. :)

We really need to examine ourselves.  We need to put our lives in order, put our desires in the place they belong.  I have had many many desires throughout my life, and I know that all too many times they have taken the place of my Father.  They have taken up so much of my heart that I have had very little room left there for God.  I've also noticed that during those times in my life, where I am not right spiritually, everything just seems hopeless. It is incredibly shameful.

But there is hope.  Now here is the awesome part.

Needless to say the last few months have proven especially trying, but when God has had His proper place in my heart, I have found that I can handle just about anything.  When I have faced trials that seem too difficult to bear and sometimes down right frightening, I am reminded of God's promises to me:  "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5).  "If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, Move from here to there, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20).  I cannot express how incredibly empowering this is even in some of the worst circumstances.  This is why I will never be able to understand how anyone could hear the Gospel and choose to go their own way.  Why anyone would want to go it alone is beyond me.  Where there is Christ, there is peace, hope and comfort.  And the absolute best part about all of this, is that it is everlasting.  There is nothing better, and in my eyes there is no alternative.

May my desire for Him be far greater than my desire for anything else.

Favorite Free 3 of the week!

With so many great deals out there this week it is hard to choose, but here are my favorite free three items of the week:

Gillette Fusion Power or Manual Razor
Where: Rite Aid
How: combine the online Single Check Rebate program + $4 coupon in the P&G insert in the April 4 newspaper
When: April 4 - April 10

GE Energy Smart Light Bulbs
Where: Target
How: combine Target store coupon for $2 + $1 manufacturer coupon
When: April 4 - April 10

Hall's Cough Drops
Where: Shop Rite
How: $1 coupon from 3/28 newspaper insert
When: April 4 - April 10

"Meeting God"

Lately I have been immersing myself in an amazing little book "The Valley of Vision," which is a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions.  It is so deep and beautiful I simply cannot miss the opportunity to share just a small portion of it.  I have been drawn frequently to this prayer entitled "Meeting God" in particular:


Great God,

In public and private, in sanctuary and home,

     may my life be steeped in prayer,

   filled with the spirit of grace and supplication,

   each prayer perfumed with the incense

     of atoning blood.

Help me, defend me, until from praying ground

I pass to the realm of unceasing praise.

Urged by my need,

   invited by thy promises,

   called by thy Spirit,

   I enter thy presence,

     worshipping thee with godly fear,

     awed by thy majesty, greatness, glory,

     but encouraged by thy love.

I am all poverty as well as all guilt,

   having nothing of my own with which

     to repay thee,

But I bring Jesus to thee in the arms of faith,

   pleading his righteousness to offset my iniquities,

   rejoicing that he will weigh down the scales

      for me,

   and satisfy thy justice.

I bless thee that great sin draws out great grace,

   that, although the least sin

      deserves infinite punishment

      because done against an infinite God,

   yet there is mercy for me,

   for where guilt is most terrible,

   there thy mercy in Christ is most free and deep.

Bless me by revealing to me more of  his saving

      merits,

   by causing thy goodness to pass before me,

   by speaking peace to my contrite heart;

Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ

      shall reign supreme within me,

   in every thought, word, and deed,

   in a faith that purifies the heart,

         overcomes the world,

         works by love,

         fastens me to thee,

         and ever clings to the cross.

Where is my hope, my heart, my soul these days?  What am I focused on?  Where is my trust?  I recently have been reminded by my sister in Christ and best friend of 18 years, Danielle, that when we face trials those are opportunities, given to us by God himself, to ask Him, "God, what are you trying to teach me right now?  In this difficult circumstance, what are you trying to show me, Lord?  What do you want me to know?"  My prayer today is that God would continue to "Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ shall reign supreme within me, in every thought, word, and deed, in a faith that purifies the heart, overcomes the world, works by love, fastens me to thee, and ever clings to the cross."  

Surgery

I had my appointment with the specialist on March 22nd.  It went better than I ever could have hoped.  My main concerns were preserving my fertility, being able to have a natural birth (not a c-section) and obviously just having my condition corrected.  Aron and I were both astounded that when we asked the doctor  how many uterine avms he has treated in the past, he said he had embolized about 50 or 60.  50 or 60!  Originally, everyone was telling us we should be satisfied if we could find a doctor who had treated even just a couple.  But 50 or 60?  What a relief it was to hear that.  We asked him what the outlook on fertility was like after the procedure.  He was optimistic and told us that most of his patients who wanted to have children afterwards were able to do so.  Aron and I had also been told by other doctors that even if I was able to get pregnant again I would most likely need to get a c-section.  You can imagine our surprise when we found out from this doctor it was actually the opposite. He told us it would be safer to try to have a vaginal delivery.  

After I had exhausted the doctor with all of my questions, Aron said "So how soon can we get this fixed?"  The doctor scheduled me for an embolization on March 26th.  I only had to wait 3 more days to finally have this issue resolved. 

I arrived for surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC early in the morning on March 26th.  I was extremely anxious, fighting the memory of my D&C back in December.  I don't think I would have been so anxious if the D&C hadn't gone the way it did.  It was supposed to be a simple outpatient procedure, and I ended up losing a lot of blood, fainting and being stuck at the hospital longer than expected.  I suppose that in combination with the horrific circumstances of my miscarriage made me a little wary of having another surgery.  After all, I had been told the D&C would be a simple surgery, and it didn't exactly turn out that way.  

Anyway, Aron prayed with me.  He held my hand and reassured me over and over again that everything was going to be alright.  He listened to my incessant worrying and never once seemed worried himself.  I have a strong husband.  I don't know what I would do without him... When they wheeled me down the hall all I could think was "Please don't make me let go of his hand.  I need him with me."  We were separated before they took me into the operating room, and all I could do was pray.  Honestly, I don't remember what I prayed.  I just remember talking to God.  

The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing the doctor.  He told me that everything went well.  I don't remember anything else he said.  I think I was still groggy because I remember waking up again and seeing Aron.  I don't remember what I said to Aron.  I remember being so relieved that he was there with me.  Later on, Aron told me that the first thing I did when I woke up was look at him and in a soft little voice say "Kiss me."

I stayed overnight at the hospital and almost miraculously right after the surgery my bleeding had finally stopped.  The next morning I woke up and felt great.  The doctor stopped by to see me and show me some before and after pictures of the surgery.  It was amazing.  Before the surgery there was this ball of tangled veins and blood vessels in my uterus.  After the surgery there was nothing, not even a trace of the avm.  He told me that it was not as bad as he had expected it may be and that because it was a "low flow" avm the probability of it returning was low.  He examined me and I was discharged an hour later.

There are no guarantees.  The chances that something like this might happen to me were 1 in millions, maybe even billions.  But God was with me for every second the last 4 months.  None of this was an accident.  It was all for my good.  The timing, the places, the people, the events - it was all in God's perfect plan.  I am not just another face in the crowd, not just another one of God's many children or a daughter of some distant God who doesn't have time for or interest in me.  All of this has transpired for a reason.  I may not know why or understand God's plan, but I am completely confident that it has all been for my good.  He has got me covered  right down to the very last, intricate detail.  

My God is SO big.