Today and for the last few weeks, I have often felt low. I've been trying to decide whether or not to include this in my blog. It is deeply personal and not something I'm proud of - in fact, I would go as far as to say it is something I'm ashamed of...but then I considered the multitudes of women out there who are just like me, children of God who are lost in this same darkness, a darkness that just won't lift. I want those women to know they are not alone.
I'm still not certain how to approach this subject. There is a very real sense of emptiness and loneliness that often covers me. I can be surrounded in a room full of family and friends and still be alone. Even the most valiant efforts, hugs, words of love and affirmation, condolences just cannot contend with the cocoon of grief I find myself surrounded in.
One night last week, on an especially difficult night, my Mom came over and told me something my wise Grandma used to say: "the Bible says and it came to pass; it doesn't say and it came to stay." There are two things I remind myself of frequently now. My Grandma's wise words, and something else (from Ed Welch's book "Running Scared"): "Lord, I trust you."
I would like to be able to say that reminding myself of these two sentiments, the continuous daily conversations I've been having with God, and the time I've been investing in some wonderful resources on anxiety have cured me. But if I said that I would be lying.
I am learning constantly now just how human and weak I am in and of myself. I stare at my son's sweet sleeping face, smooth his beautiful blonde curls off his forehead and I feel a desperation well up inside me to be the kind of Mama he needs - a source of light, joy and peace, a place for him to find refuge from the things that frighten him. And in that moment I'm reminded how much more my Heavenly Father, who loves me with a love that is unmatched (far greater than the love I have for my son) wants to be my refuge, my "very present help in trouble," my Savior, my Daddy. But in my human-ness I am still too afraid to really say "I trust you, Lord" and fully mean it.
I know that He will "never leave...or forsake" me. I know that this is just another chapter in my life that will pass. I am just all too eager to put this one behind me.
I have been here before, in the place where it seems the darkness will go on forever, and I have also been lifted out of it. I've felt God reach for me, lift the clouds and surround me in the light and warmth of His presence.
So although right now I am weak and tired and feeling like I have nothing left, I know what I have to look forward to because I have been there before. And to be quite honest when I really stop and think about it, that is enough to give me peace tonight.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God." Psalm 43:5
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