Let the Healing Begin

Another day. Another doctor's appointment. I saw my OBGYN for a 2 week post delivery checkup today, and we received only good news.

All restrictions have been lifted. I can resume exercise and all other normal activities.

I still have headaches and my heel is still numb, but right now that doesn't even matter to me. I can pick up my son, it doesn't hurt to bend over, and I think I can see the sun beginning to shine.

He has given me so much more than I deserve.

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What a Difference a Year Makes

A year ago today we found out we had lost our second child. After 3 weeks of hemorrhaging, his (or her) tiny heartbeat finally stopped. I had the pleasure of carrying our little one for 8 weeks.

It was so exciting finding out I was pregnant with our second baby. My hands were shaking when I read that positive pregnancy test. I even got the moment I told Aron on camera. I haven't watched that video yet. I guess I'm still not ready.

Tonight I'm lying in a hospital bed in New York. It is incredible for me to look back and remember what we were doing a year ago tonight. I feel like I'm a different person. I AM different.

I'm waiting to get some tests run for persistent headaches. My doctors are not overly concerned. Whatever it is, it is treatable - might even just be migraines. I guess after having a baby they like to take precautions and have these things checked out.

I can't even begin to start thinking about trying to have another baby, when my heart still aches to have Walter. I don't want just any other baby; I want him.

Still, I received very encouraging news tonight from one of my high risk doctors who has a lot of experience with AVMs. If nothing else, it was just nice to hear that he is not concerned at all about recovery.

He came by my room to say hello and let me know he heard how well my delivery went. In fact, it went so well that he wouldn't even necessarily consider another pregnancy for me as "high risk." He said I should still see a high risk practice and deliver in a well equipped hospital, but he believes that this delivery is evidence that another one has a very good likelihood of going smoothly. As I said, it was great to hear that I'm on the road to good health. God is so so gracious, but it is the farthest thing from my mind, carrying another child today. I buried my son less than a week ago. My heart is too full of him right now.

A year ago I was lost, frightened, desperate to have a baby, and clinging to the idea of holding on to control of my life and future. Tonight, even though I'm in the hospital again, I'm smiling at the thought of kissing my little Ethan's sweet cheeks, getting one of his big bear hugs, seeing my husband walk through the door, having him lay down in the bed next to me, hold me, and just feeling his very necessary presence.

All I know tonight is that I feel my Father's peace, His goodness, His unfathomable wisdom, His kindness, His healing hand, His love for me. I don't care what the future holds; I just care that I know He will keep holding me in the future.

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Reflections of Our Heavenly Father

This week was tough. My family has been such a tremendous comfort to me. My husband and I are unfortunately separated during the week by a span of about 200 miles. Needless to say, this is a trying time to be separated, but in the mean time I am so blessed to live near my family.

I've loved watching my son play with his cousins, grocery shopping with my Dad, getting to spend more time with my brother, watching my gorgeously pregnant sister-in law's belly grow, and spending quality time with my Mom, learning how to decorate and make her meatloaf. I'm astounded at God's goodness and the multitude of opportunities he's given me to just breathe in the fresh and beautiful parts of life. I'm astounded at his goodness in giving me such a loving, giving, time and energy-sacrificing, warm group of loved ones.

I love you guys, and I don't know where I would have been this last year without you. You truly reflect the love of Christ in your love for me.

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Blessed are those who mourn

We said goodbye to Walter 9 days ago. It's still fresh; it feels like yesterday.

My heart is so broken today. I understand that we all have hard providences to suffer. I know that our suffering is part of Gods plan, but even in knowing that it still hurts so deeply.

Grieving is a natural Godly process. We are not meant to just shrug off our losses like robots. God made us deeply emotional and spiritual beings. There is no shame in mourning. In fact, it is encouraged. God wants us to mourn, to use those deep emotions he granted us. "Blessed Are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

The tears seem endless at times, but I want to grieve. I want to feel every ounce of longing to touch Walter's little hands and face again, to cry every tear, to feel my heart ache so much I can barely breathe. I want to acknowledge my son and his short existence. He lived. He was my son. He died, and He went to be with his heavenly Father.

There will be a day that I rise up from the ashes, that I look to the heavens, that I pick myself up off the floor, that the weeping stops, the darkness lifts, and I see the sunshine again. It just isn't time yet. My arms ache to hold my baby, and that's all I know today.

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Walter Daniel Gahagan

Born December 7, 2010 at 2:22 a.m.

Resting with our Maker December 7, 2010 6:30 a.m.

Jesus, Bring the Rain

I spent many evenings and afternoons sitting at my Grandad's table pouring ourselves over the Shorter Catechism, Romans and other Scriptures. My preteen and teen years were extremely developmental for me as far as my faith goes. I can remember multiple evenings that we were so overwhelmed by God's grace and mercy for us we were moved to tears. My Grandad had a ferocious love for the Scriptures that was unsurpassed by anyone I can recall, a love that was contagious. I watched him suffer daily from severe physical ailments that caused him constant pain, but he never ever blamed God. In fact, his suffering, I'm sure, is what caused him to cling even harder to the cross. I've never known a reformed, conservative Christian man to be so passionate and charismatic for his Maker. He sang "What E'er My God Ordain is Right" with complete conviction. When he recited hymn lyrics or Scripture he did it with his whole heart. He made the Word of God his anthem. Walter and Elspeth Ferrier lived lives of suffering and yet lives that were so filled with the Holy Spirit.

I have caught myself wondering sometimes, "When will we have some relief? A respite... When will our lives be normal?" But I am reminded of the lives my grandparents led. I don't remember a time that they weren't suffering. They were grateful for God's love for them no matter how bleak the circumstances. It is hard for me to think that there are no guarantees in this life, that I don't know what the future holds, that it may be a long time before I know that rest I so deeply desire. And yet...

I am so thankful that God is keeping me close to Him. When I think about my spiritual well being when life was "normal" and "easy," I remember having less of a "need" for Christ (or what I thought was less of a need). I don't remember feeling the longing that I do for Him now, for His Word, His presence. It is a shame that for me, apparently, it takes such times of trouble to keep me clinging to the cross, to my Jesus.

I will say this: if a life of difficulty, of sorrow, or pain, anguish, physical trials, loss and tears is what it takes to keep me close to God, then that is what I prefer. If an easy life, with little difficulty and normalcy produces weakness, poor character, a stunt in my spiritual growth and complacency, I don't want any part of it.

I will take whatever He gives me as long as it means I will want more of Him, as long as it means He will keep me close to Him.

My Loss, Your Gain

I remember your lips. I knew you were a boy the moment I saw your sweet little face. You had your Daddy's mouth. You had his hairline, his ears, his fingers. There was no doubt in my mind you were our son.

It's barely been two days since we watched your tiny heart beating through your chest. You were so strong even with so many physical difficulties.

The pain now is so raw. There was no way to be prepared for losing you. If I could have done anything, if giving up my own life would have meant preserving yours, I would have gladly.

Better for you to be with Jesus than with me though. My single comfort is that God chose to bring you to himself and spare you the suffering of living in this cruel, unholy world. Knowing that you are in God's hands instead of mine - there is NO better place to be.

But I love you still so much. It still tears my heart apart not to get to see you play with your big brother, to hear your voice, to watch you hug your Daddy, to feel you wrap your little arms around my neck, to listen to you giggle for the first time...

I will wait for the day I can look in your eyes and see you face to face in heaven, but until then I will look forward more to the day I can imagine your sweet face without feeling the anguish and heartbreak I feel now.

You are loved, little one.

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December 7, 2010

"The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21)

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"O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

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What's In a Name?

A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting my parents.  Unexpectedly, my Mom took me aside and gave me what has become one of the greatest gifts I've ever received - my Grandma's Bible.  As my Mom handed it to me she said, "I thought you could use this right now.  It seems like the perfect time to give it to you."  I felt my eyes well up with tears at the sentimentality of it.  My Grandma was one of the most precious, influential people in my life.  Next to this last year, losing her was the most difficult trial on this earth that I've endured.  Little did I know how affected I would be by this book in the days to come.

The next day I perused the well worn pages of her Bible, anticipating hundreds of passages highlighted, underlined and covered in her notes.  I couldn't have been more accurate in my estimations.  I knew my Grandma well; her life was a beautiful picture of God's Word.  She lived it every single day.  I came to the spot where her bookmark was, which was tattered with use, and saw that it was Psalm 25. There was a note written and dated September 18th, 1994, one week before she passed away that read "How true it has been this year."  Next to the note verses 16 through 18 were underlined: "Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Oh, bring me out of my distresses!  Look on my affliction and my pain, And forgive all my sins."  I was emotional to say the least.

I knew that my Grandma suffered for many long years, being told her husband would die too many times to count, while instead enduring the life of being wife to a husband who spent a greater portion of the time in and out of hospitals and surgeries.  I knew it was difficult for her, but I never really understood.  I couldn't.  No one could.  As an adult now, I imagine that there were countless other trials she faced that she never shared or complained about.  That was just her way.  Elspeth Ferrier didn't worry about Elspeth Ferrier outside of her prayer closet.  She was too busy caring for her severely ill husband, working, preparing meals for the sick at church, spending time with her grandchildren (who never lacked her attention) and hosting numerous church functions and meetings in her home.  I'm really getting to see that now through the pages of her Bible.  This was a woman who suffered privately for most of her married life, but she did it so graciously.

My Grandma didn't know 15 years ago that today my eyes would scan those very same pages, that my tears would weep over the same spots that hers did, and that I would glean so much encouragement and wisdom in her blessed hand written notes in the margins...but God knew.  He planned it that way.  My parents didn't know 28 years ago that when they gave me the middle name Elspeth it would have such a deep and personal meaning, but God knew.  He planned it that way.

There is something so precious in knowing that I have suffered this much, but so did she.  She did it with such dignity, so quietly, so selflessly, all the while exhibiting Christ in so many ways.  I am ashamed, to say the least, that I have not followed in her footsteps so closely, but by God's grace in the years to come I would like Him to help me change that.  I would like to live up to my middle name, Elspeth and I would like to know that if Elspeth Ferrier were here, she would be proud that I carry her name.   

"To trust only when times are favourable, is to sail only with the wind and tide, to believe only when we can see."

("The 'I Wills' of the Psalms" - P.B. Power)

"Hallelujah Grace like rain falls down on me."

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God's Waiting Room

It is hard for me to type the words, let alone think them.  Our baby is not viable.  My doctors' suspicions were confirmed yesterday.  After an ultrasound, which took 15 minutes but seemed like forever, we were informed that our precious 16 week old baby has a two vessel umbilical cord (should be three), a heart defect, an obstruction in the intestines, half of one leg and no kidneys.  There is almost no fluid around the baby (because there are no kidneys).  This was the most difficult ultrasound I've ever had.  I could see that the baby was not really moving because there was obviously no room to move with the lack of fluid.  His little heart was still beating away though.

I'm yet again in a minority of people.  The doctor at the ultrasound said that in his 30 years of experience he has never seen a baby survive in the uterus this long with so many problems.  I suppose that in itself is a miracle.  I don't understand God's plan; I know that his ways are so much greater than mine could ever be.  Still, I can't help but admit that it is so difficult to accept.

I wonder if the baby is suffering.  All of the organs are there (the ones that actually developed when they were supposed to anyway), and I guess there must be nerves there too.  The baby is squished in there with no real room to move, and with so many things going wrong inside his little body, is it hurting him?

One of the hardest parts in all of this is knowing that although this child is still growing inside me, and I am his mother, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to help him.  I can't even cuddle him in my arms and let him know I'm here and that I love him and that I would do anything just to be able to protect him from what is to come.  I can't keep him safe.

Needless to say the doctor has recommended that we terminate the pregnancy.  I think it goes without saying that is not an option and never will be. There are so many unknowns ahead of us. Again, my health is at risk, my fertility is at risk, we have many decisions that will need to be made, and as Grandma Ferrier spent most of her adult life saying "We are in God's waiting room."

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The Struggle

I have been wondering for weeks now the longer my pregnancy progresses, if it will get more difficult or will I just sort of go numb, like being in survival mode? To be honest I had hoped for the numbness over the difficulty. As it turns out, there is no numbness. Instead, a deeper love and attachment to my baby grows inside of me each day I see my belly growing.

I am not sure if I'm wrong in feeling that way. I just know it has been one year since the last time I found out I was pregnant and all of the life-changing events that followed. If I took all the suffering in my lifetime and combined it and compared it to all of the suffering of the last year, there would still be no comparison. There is this huge part of me that is saying "How long, oh Lord?" It is hard to imagine that I will be able to handle what is to come; my single comfort is that God will give me grace to deal with whatever it is.

Everyday is unique. Some days I feel so empowered by God, and I just think "I can do this. He will give me the strength." There are other days, most days, that I'm fighting a war. Those are the days that I open the cabinet in my kitchen to get Ethan's sippy cup, my breast pump catches my eye and I can feel my heart break. Or I see a movie where a mother is in labor, and I feel my eyes well up with tears when her child enters the world. Or I see a very pregnant woman in the mall and can't help but wonder "Will I make it that far? Will my baby make it that far?"... Then God reminds me of the precious gift I'm carrying in that moment as I feel my little one move inside me.

Today I am just grateful that I know His power is made perfect in my weakness because I am utterly helpless and weak on my own.

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Dear Baby:

I went to the doctor to hear your heartbeat today.  As usual, the doctor had no trouble finding that blessed sound.  When I got home and pulled into the garage I felt you moving for the first time.  I have been wondering whether or not I would get to experience the joy of feeling your first movements.  Even with just your tiny arms it is obvious you are doing big things in there.  I can already tell that you are a very active little one; you've been squirming around so much all day. :)

I want you to know something.  Although you don't have legs, your body is perfect.  And it is perfect because God made it the way that he did. He formed every single intricate part of you just the right way.  God's Word says that He "formed [your] inward parts; [He] knitted [you] together in [my] womb."  Isn't that just incredible?

I hope that some day I can meet you and that we can praise Him together for how "fearfully and wonderfully made" you are.  I haven't gotten to hug you and kiss your little cheeks, but I love you already.  You are so precious to me, you are my little miracle.  Everyday I get to spend carrying you is such a gift, and I am privileged to be your Mama.  I am so blessed that God chose me for you.

I can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Mama

  

Giving It All to God (even when it isn't easy)

I should be over 13 weeks pregnant today, but going by my measurements I'm barely 12.  We learned that things weren't right from the beginning because at my 6 week ultrasound the baby was measuring too small.  Actually, at that point there wasn't even a baby visible; there was only an empty sac, which was an indicator that things just weren't developing as they should.  Since then it has been a complete roller coaster.  We saw a heartbeat, and we thought we may be out of the woods.  Shortly after that, I had another ultrasound that showed our baby may only have one leg and a possible omphicole (the bowel growing into the umbilical cord).  Then this past week things were a little more conclusive.

We had an ultrasound yesterday that showed the baby's left leg was missing, and the right one is also abnormal.  The doctor also believes that the organs may be developing incorrectly.  As of today, we have no idea what is wrong with our baby, and we don't know if the baby will be viable outside of the womb.

(We don't know the sex of our baby, but I'm going to refer to this child as "he" from now on instead of him or her).

Having a disabled child is more difficult than I can imagine, but having a child, no matter what his physical and mental struggles are, is something that I am honored to do.  A child is a child.  A child is a blessing, and a "fetus" is a baby, a human being.  As we watched the baby wriggle around on the ultrasound screen I was struck by the tragedy of the millions and millions of women who have been in my same situation and turned to their doctors and said, "Get rid of it."  I watched that sweet, active little 2" baby and was just amazed.  This baby is not developing like a healthy child, but that doesn't make him any less of a person.  I just can't understand how anyone could decide that their baby doesn't deserve a chance.  It isn't my choice...or my desire.

My hope is that this baby survives, that I meet this little one and raise him to know that he is perfect and whole just the way God made him.  My hope is for a miracle, that even now God might be healing this little one's body.  But I have an even greater hope, and it has taken me 28 long years to finally get here.

My greatest hope is that God would be honored and glorified in this situation.  I want to have more children.  Anyone who has been reading this blog has to know that by now.  It is one of my strongest desires, and at one point it became my sole desire.  That was so wrong.  Over the last year God has been loosening my grip on this desire that slowly and quietly developed into a NEED.  My desire for more children is still there, and it is still strong.  But my greatest need is for Christ and His purposes.  I have found that the more God loosens my grip on the things that I want, the more He becomes what I want and what I need.  I have also found that true satisfaction, fulfillment and joy only comes when He is in the center of it all.  

I hope this doesn't sound flippant.  I love this child.  I take time every single day to put my hands on my tummy and pray for this baby.  I want this child, but what I want more is for God to make the decision how long his life span will be.  My reasoning for this is that I know - I'm 100% certain that whatever God decides for my baby is what is best and right for him.  Is there any greater comfort?  I am so grateful that He is in charge because HE IS GOD.  He created us and gives us every breath we take.  There are no better hands, not even mine, for this little one's life to be in.  

I have the privilege of being the vessel that God has chosen my baby to live in and grow inside of.  As my best friend Danielle so (as usual) perfectly phrased it, "God chose ME for this."  It is all providence, and it is all part of his perfect plan.  I trust Him.  This was no accident.  

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I have absolutely no idea what the future holds.  But His grace is sufficient for me.

Be Killing Sin

I held off on writing about this for weeks.  I was anxious from the beginning and thinking "If I'm going to miscarry I want to do it privately."  Is that hopeless or what?  I'm not going to sugar coat it.  The way I was thinking was just plain prideful.  I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, but worse than that I didn't want to feel the shame publicly of losing another child.

I bet this doesn't make sense to most people.  I can't speak for all women who have been through a miscarriage, and also let me preface this by saying I realize how completely irrational this is but... for me, miscarrying was shameful.  I felt guilty and embarrassed.  I felt that I had somehow failed to protect my child, like it was something I could have controlled.  I thought "I should have been able to carry this baby to term." As I said before, and I think this is worse than feeling guilty, I was embarrassed.  There was something about losing my baby, and having everyone know about it that made me feel like a loser.  I'm going to cut to the chase.  It was pride.  It was a fear that people would look down at me.

This summer I was struck with my lack of humility.  I felt very convicted in many ways of this sin; in the way that I spoke to people (or spoke too much), the way that I listened (or more often the lack thereof), and in the way that I thought of myself.  I wrestled, and still do, with this terribly.  I was determined to kill this sin, so I prayed and studied the subject (there are some great resources out there).  As time went by and I became pregnant, I realized how connected these two sins are with each other and just how deeply I struggle with both.  Pride is a feeling of self-respect or self-worth, and a lack of humility pretty much happens when our pride is in overdrive.  In not wanting others to know that I was pregnant and that I was told I would likely miscarry, I was acting proudly, refusing an opportunity to be humble and losing out on the prayers and encouragement of my Christian brothers and sisters.

I know that part of the battle is being able to recognize our sins, but that is just the beginning.  I'm not going to lie.  It is still an uphill battle, but my hope is that in writing this and sharing it with those who love me, I will have to be accountable.  When we struggle in secret and hide our ugly sinful nature we are only hurting ourselves and stunting our own growth.  And my goal is still to be more like Jesus.  I don't want to do anything that is going to prevent me from growing in Christ.  So here it is.  I'm laying it bare.

Not Time to Mourn

I was going to try to write about this in order from the earliest events to the most recent, but because so much time has passed I'm going to just jump around.  So here it is...

I'm 12 weeks pregnant.  Praise God we had no difficulty in conceiving.  My surgery was a success, and my fertility was in no way adversely affected.  After the events of the last year, my doctor had me go in for an early ultrasound at  6 weeks to make sure the pregnancy was not ectopic (that it was in my uterus).  As it turned out the pregnancy was in my uterus, but the baby was developing too slowly.  We met with my doctor, and he informed us that we should prepare for a miscarriage.  We waited a week, had another ultrasound, and saw again that the baby was measuring a week behind.  I saw a very slow heartbeat (also an indicator of a likely miscarriage).  I spoke to the doctor, and he said he still was not convinced it would be a viable pregnancy, but that he also wasn't ruling out that it might be.  I appreciated his hesitation to give me a miscarriage diagnosis, as I've heard about so many other women in this situation whose doctors told them their baby was not viable.  They went on to wait a couple weeks, and sure enough their baby was fine.  I waited one more week, had another ultrasound and saw a great heartbeat (140 bpm) and a baby that was measuring over a week behind but still appeared to be doing well.

At this point I was over 8 weeks pregnant.  I'd love to be able to say I was just over joyed, but I'm going to be honest.  I was terribly faithless and had been since my first ultrasound.  Wouldn't you think that after everything this past year, I would have learned to be hopeful?  To be trusting my Father?  To behave and think like a real Christian?  I am so ashamed to say I did not.  In fact, I left that ultrasound so struck my by sin and how poorly I'd responded to this trial in the past few weeks.  Here I was pregnant this whole time, not rejoicing in it, but having completely given up.  I had already been mourning the loss of my child, while all along this little one was continuing to grow inside me.  Just typing the words and reading them is difficult.

Let me go a step further.  That week I left for Florida for my sister's wedding.  Within a couple days of being there I noticed that all of my pregnancy symptoms became non-existent.  No nausea, no more headaches, very little exhaustion and no more indigestion.  I should probably mention that I also had the slightest bit of bleeding.  I called the after hours doctor who was on call and described my symptoms.  He said that I may be having a miscarriage.  Yet again, I gave up all hope.  In fact, I was CERTAIN the baby had died.  I got home and the following Monday had an ultrasound to confirm my suspicion and was shocked to see a very active baby with a strong heartbeat.  At this point, the heart rate had made it all the way up to 171 bpm.  I was completely astonished.  It didn't make sense to me.  I didn't feel pregnant anymore, but indeed I was.  Again, I realized how faithless I was.  This time, I made a conscious effort to have a positive, hopeful attitude....but a few days later some more bleeding came and along with it so did the doubts....

The Green Light

I've been saying for the last couple of months that I'm going to get back to blogging, but truth be told, I think I've just been too lazy to do it.

I don't think I've updated since my last post about my AVM symptoms returning.  Apparently, I don't know my own body at all and God is very VERY gracious.  My doctor sent me for a second scan since my surgery, and the AVM is virtually non-existent.  I went to see the high risk OBGYN in New York recommended to me by Dr. Rosen, and he did a saline ultrasound to see how much scar tissue I had left over from the surgery.  The assumption was that in order for us to get the "green light" to go ahead and get pregnant, he would see how much scar tissue there was and remove whatever he could.  (If there is too much scar tissue, it would put me at a greater risk of having a postpartum hemorrhage at the time I deliver our next baby).  Well, yet again, in God's providence there wasn't even any scar tissue to be removed!  The doctor said, "If you hadn't told me you had ever even had an AVM I wouldn't have known it was there." There wasn't even a remnant of anything left.

We went home with a tremendous gift that day.  We were allowed to go ahead and "be fruitful and multiply."

Another One

I know I'm going a little crazy here with the videos, but music is such a huge part of who I am.  It moves me in a way that I cannot explain.  Had to post this one.

"Wedding Dress"

Here We Go Again

In the last week I've had the flu, an upper respiratory infection, a sick toddler and the return of my AVM symptoms, all while my husband has been away on business.  Aron and I are both thankful for the assistance of friends and my Mom.  I really appreciate getting to live so close to my parents during times like these.  My Mom or my sister-in-law will just scoop Ethan up from me and take care of him for days at a time.  It is such a huge blessing.  Then there's our friend Natalie, who as soon as she hears that I'm having any trouble is quick to offer to visit with me, make us a meal or do absolutely anything I might need help with.  Family and friends - I don't know what I would do without them.

I have been a little discouraged recently, especially with the AVM symptoms.  I really thought this was all behind me.  I mean in the back of my mind I knew there was a chance it could return.  There is no guarantee that the surgery will work for the first time, but I guess it was all such a nightmare I was very quick to hope that those days were over.  It is actually not uncommon for a woman to have to have the surgery a second time.  I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category.

I'm jumping the gun a little in saying all this because I haven't had the tests done yet to confirm that the AVM is what my problem is, but I do know that what I'm experiencing is pretty much identical to what I experienced before the last time I needed the surgery.  I wish it was just my imagination.   Unfortunately, it is very real. 

Anyway, on to more positive thoughts.  Today I had a little breakthrough.  I've been pretty down between being so sick, Aron being away for work, not being able to go for a run in 8 days (yikes!) and the pain and bleeding that are associated with the AVM.  I will admit that I was fighting back tears all morning (okay, I may have lost the fight a couple times).  I was having a really tough time.  But I've been talking to God a lot today and I guess talking to myself too.  I've been asking God for grace and mercy, that He would do a work in my mind so that I will continue even during all of this to focus on Him and find my fulfillment in Him.  I've been asking Him to grant me that amazing peace and joy that we find in Him no matter what trials we are experiencing.  And God in his abundant love has been so good as to answer my prayer almost instantly.  Already today I've been feeling his incredible presence.  Believe me - I am struggling.  This isn't just an easy quick fix.  It requires some work on my part as well.  I have to keep reminding myself of His promises to me.  I've been singing hymns and reciting Scripture to myself, but I am so grateful yet again that I already feel how near He is.

I have just been finding so much in the last few weeks that the more I immerse myself in Him, the closer I grow toward Him.  And that is what I want so much more than anything, more than I want to be able to breathe.  I am starving for more of Him all the time.  I just want to be full of Christ so much that I'm bursting at the seams.  I want Christ to be spilling out all over my life and touching everyone around me.  And it seems that the more I get the more I want.  It will never be enough.     

My comfort today has been that some day this will all be over, and when it is I will finally meet God.  I will finally be face to face with this increible, unfathomable, all-consuming, omniscient, perfect, holy, just, loving and magnificent God who has done things in my life that are so incredible I can barely comprehend it.

Give me Jesus.

Life on the Road

I have had a lot of people ask me what it is like living out of a hotel for several months at a time.  There are two ways to look at it: it is both difficult and good.


There are some nice aspects to living in a hotel.  We stay at extended stay hotels usually, which means there is a kitchen in our room.  This makes it seem a little more like home because I can keep food in the fridge, and I can cook.  Another good thing: having a maid clean everyday.  Now, some people might see this as a great thing, and yes, it certainly is at times, especially when I was having so much physical difficulty over the last year.  It was a tremendous blessing not to have to clean during that time....but I guess I could say there is a bit of a drawback.  My standard of cleanliness is a little more picky than most people.  I'm a "clean messy" person.  In other words, I am very picky when it comes to vacuuming and dusting and sanitizing.  Some days I was tempted to call the front desk and ask if I could borrow a vacuum, a mop and a bottle of Windex.  It's not even just that I'm picky, but I actually LIKE cleaning.  I know, I know...it sounds crazy.  On the other hand, I tend to make "piles" all over the place.  I have a pile of receipts here, a pile of clothes there, and a pile of coupons over in the other corner.  I'm not terribly gifted when it comes to being organized. 


Another plus is that we had our own bedroom.  At the time that we were living in the hotel we had a bedroom for ourselves, a living room, a kitchen, and Ethan got to have his own room.  When we would come home to NJ, Ethan's crib was still in our room.  It was nice to have that bit of space and privacy at the hotel.  It was more like having an apartment than living in a hotel room.


Our hotel also provided an evening meal Monday through Thursday.  It was always sort of a light meal like tacos or soup and salad. We didn't usually take advantage of this, but it was nice to have it available to us if we wanted it.  (An obvious added benefit to this is that it would have helped save on our food costs).


Now for the difficult aspects: it just isn't home.  While this may be true, when we are away from home I am constantly trying to find ways to "bring home with us."  One way to do this is to bring candles.  I had them lit for dinner time or for when Aron came in from work.  Unfortunately, I made the mistake of buying scented candles, and I'm not sure Aron really appreciated the heavy aroma.  (Sorry, honey, I had to include this because it is slightly amusing).


Another way to make it feel more like home is to bring table linens.  Had our hotel not provided placemats and cloth napkins I would have brought my own.  When we are at our permanent home we always use cloth napkins and placemats.  Dinner time is such an important time of day for the entire family.  It should not just be a time to eat but a time to talk, relax, and enjoy one another's company.  The table should be a warm and engaging place.  One way to elicit this kind of response is to create an inviting atmosphere, hence the usage of table linens.  When I'm at home I also like to keep some kind of centerpiece on the table for decoration, whether it be a bowl of fruit or a glass vase with some colorful stones in it and a candle in the center.  I also like to use my Grandmother's doilies - I'm fortunate enough that I married a man who appreciates my traditional side.  I like to bring a small set of speakers to play music on also.  I play music at home a lot, so it only makes sense to play it wherever we're staying. 

Life on the road can also be lonely.  I make it a point to try to stay in touch with friends.  This could mean emailing, text messaging or phone calls.  Most importantly, we make it a point to get together with our friends whenever we can when we are home.  Sometimes we are tired and want to relax when we are home, but nothing beats getting to have some quality time with the people we love.  It is so refreshing, and I think living in a hotel has caused us to treasure those friendships even more so than we did when we were still living at home.


So, in answer to the comment that we so often hear "Wow.  Living in a hotel.  That must be rough..."  Yeah, it is difficult, but it certainly has made us appreciate "home" that much more.  Also, you've heard the saying "Home is where the heart is."  That is why when we are away from our own house, I try to make sure I bring a little bit of home with us, and all it takes are a few easy, creative ideas.

Worlds Apart

Almost 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. That was the day my body began going through the process of miscarrying my little one, and that was the day my world started to "tear apart."  


I was listening to Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart" today.  Since the moment I first heard it it has carried a special significance for me, but today I was overwhelmed even more so than I usually am by it.  I couldn't listen to it without getting emotional.  And today I realized something was different.  I was just completely awe struck with the fact that God has done so unbelievably much in my life recently. 


The last several months have been by far some of the most difficult of my life, but I am also convinced that the last several months have played a tremendous role in my growth as a Christian.  I can say with confidence that "sanctification-wise" this has been one of the most influential periods of my life.  I have never loved Christ as much as I do today.  God has used the loss of a child, life threatening medical issues, personal struggles with fear and anxiety, a large stack of medical bills on my desk and being faced with the possibility that I may not have anymore children to truly "take my world apart."   


I feel His presence so strongly today.  Honestly, I don't know if I would be in this place spiritually had I not been brought to my knees the way I have.  But I know His truth, THE truth.  I know that His purposes are greater than mine, and I know that the purpose of this life isn't for me to get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after (not that there's anything wrong with that).  No, it is so much greater than that.  My purpose is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him.  I have always struggled with letting go and giving certain areas of my life to Him.  There has been so much I've wanted and so much that I think I just - expected.  But my life is not my own, and the harder I tug and hold on to the things that are so valuable and precious to me, the more He is gently loosening my grip.  I am really beginning to see the beauty of God's plan for me and the beauty of giving in and giving it all to Him. 


Here is an excerpt of "Worlds Apart" that really got me reflecting on all of this:


"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"

Dear Mom...

You carried me for 9 months in your womb, 9 months of morning sickness and a hospital stay for dehydration.  You survived the sleepless nights and thousands of dirty diapers.  You wiped my tears when I cried.  I scraped my knees and you kissed my "boo boos."  You sang to me.  You sang with me.  You held my hand.  When I was afraid you made me feel safe.  You have been my encourager, my protector, my disciplinarian, my biggest supporter.  You were there for every soccer game, every concert, every school play, every emergency room visit and every adolescent disaster.  You sacrificed so much so that I would never have to be without.  You prayed...and prayed...and prayed...and prayed.  You knew when to say yes.  You knew when to say no (even when you didn't want to).  You knew when it was time to let go.  You juggled 4 children, a job, a home, a husband, being your parents' caretaker, the PTA, church committees, being the girls youth group leader, and you somehow still always managed to have time for me.  You always made me feel special.  You listened to my problems, and though they were so small at the time, you loved me enough not to minimize them.  You gave the best advice.  I could trust you with anything.  When I suffered, so did you.  You have wept silent tears for me that I still do not even know about.  You have listened to my fears, reassured me, and reminded me that God is always in control.  You have hugged me and made me feel loved for as long as I can remember.

Being a mother myself now I am sure there is so much you have done for me that I am not even aware of.  But of what I know, I am in awe.  You are deserving of so much honor. You did it all, and you did it with a smile.  I am amazed, and as I raise my own child I am learning even more everyday just how much you have done for me.  I am so grateful that God chose YOU to be my Mom.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all."  Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:28-30)

You truly have the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman.  I am praising God for you today.  Thank you for being my Mom.

Love,
Megan

When My Desires Become Demands

What do you desire?  A new job, recognition, children, a spouse, money, a house, a car?  Many of our desires can be Godly.  There is nothing wrong with wanting children, someone to share your life with or a nice place to live in.  These desires only become wrong when they become our focus, when they take the place of God in our heart.

Do you ever find yourself longing to steal away to spend a few moments with God?  Sometimes, throughout the day I will be struck with this feeling.  It is similar to the feeling I get when I am anticipating an evening out with my husband, knowing our son will be with a babysitter and we will have no expectations of us except to focus completely on each other.  It is one of my favorite things to do, to just "be" with my husband.  But I have to ask myself, is it that way with God and me?  Do I truly long for Him?  To be with Him?  To communicate, get to know Him, meditate on Him?  He is my Father, my Redeemer, the one man who can and has saved me from eternal damnation, and who has prepared an eternal place for me in Heaven with Him.  No one in this life has or can even come close to the place that He should have in my life.  I say "should" because although I have those times throughout the day that I wish I could spend with Him, they still do not happen quite as often as they should or as I'd like them to.  I would say that I have a long way to go regarding this area.  Thank the Lord for sanctification. :)

We really need to examine ourselves.  We need to put our lives in order, put our desires in the place they belong.  I have had many many desires throughout my life, and I know that all too many times they have taken the place of my Father.  They have taken up so much of my heart that I have had very little room left there for God.  I've also noticed that during those times in my life, where I am not right spiritually, everything just seems hopeless. It is incredibly shameful.

But there is hope.  Now here is the awesome part.

Needless to say the last few months have proven especially trying, but when God has had His proper place in my heart, I have found that I can handle just about anything.  When I have faced trials that seem too difficult to bear and sometimes down right frightening, I am reminded of God's promises to me:  "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5).  "If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, Move from here to there, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20).  I cannot express how incredibly empowering this is even in some of the worst circumstances.  This is why I will never be able to understand how anyone could hear the Gospel and choose to go their own way.  Why anyone would want to go it alone is beyond me.  Where there is Christ, there is peace, hope and comfort.  And the absolute best part about all of this, is that it is everlasting.  There is nothing better, and in my eyes there is no alternative.

May my desire for Him be far greater than my desire for anything else.

Favorite Free 3 of the week!

With so many great deals out there this week it is hard to choose, but here are my favorite free three items of the week:

Gillette Fusion Power or Manual Razor
Where: Rite Aid
How: combine the online Single Check Rebate program + $4 coupon in the P&G insert in the April 4 newspaper
When: April 4 - April 10

GE Energy Smart Light Bulbs
Where: Target
How: combine Target store coupon for $2 + $1 manufacturer coupon
When: April 4 - April 10

Hall's Cough Drops
Where: Shop Rite
How: $1 coupon from 3/28 newspaper insert
When: April 4 - April 10

"Meeting God"

Lately I have been immersing myself in an amazing little book "The Valley of Vision," which is a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions.  It is so deep and beautiful I simply cannot miss the opportunity to share just a small portion of it.  I have been drawn frequently to this prayer entitled "Meeting God" in particular:


Great God,

In public and private, in sanctuary and home,

     may my life be steeped in prayer,

   filled with the spirit of grace and supplication,

   each prayer perfumed with the incense

     of atoning blood.

Help me, defend me, until from praying ground

I pass to the realm of unceasing praise.

Urged by my need,

   invited by thy promises,

   called by thy Spirit,

   I enter thy presence,

     worshipping thee with godly fear,

     awed by thy majesty, greatness, glory,

     but encouraged by thy love.

I am all poverty as well as all guilt,

   having nothing of my own with which

     to repay thee,

But I bring Jesus to thee in the arms of faith,

   pleading his righteousness to offset my iniquities,

   rejoicing that he will weigh down the scales

      for me,

   and satisfy thy justice.

I bless thee that great sin draws out great grace,

   that, although the least sin

      deserves infinite punishment

      because done against an infinite God,

   yet there is mercy for me,

   for where guilt is most terrible,

   there thy mercy in Christ is most free and deep.

Bless me by revealing to me more of  his saving

      merits,

   by causing thy goodness to pass before me,

   by speaking peace to my contrite heart;

Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ

      shall reign supreme within me,

   in every thought, word, and deed,

   in a faith that purifies the heart,

         overcomes the world,

         works by love,

         fastens me to thee,

         and ever clings to the cross.

Where is my hope, my heart, my soul these days?  What am I focused on?  Where is my trust?  I recently have been reminded by my sister in Christ and best friend of 18 years, Danielle, that when we face trials those are opportunities, given to us by God himself, to ask Him, "God, what are you trying to teach me right now?  In this difficult circumstance, what are you trying to show me, Lord?  What do you want me to know?"  My prayer today is that God would continue to "Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ shall reign supreme within me, in every thought, word, and deed, in a faith that purifies the heart, overcomes the world, works by love, fastens me to thee, and ever clings to the cross."  

Surgery

I had my appointment with the specialist on March 22nd.  It went better than I ever could have hoped.  My main concerns were preserving my fertility, being able to have a natural birth (not a c-section) and obviously just having my condition corrected.  Aron and I were both astounded that when we asked the doctor  how many uterine avms he has treated in the past, he said he had embolized about 50 or 60.  50 or 60!  Originally, everyone was telling us we should be satisfied if we could find a doctor who had treated even just a couple.  But 50 or 60?  What a relief it was to hear that.  We asked him what the outlook on fertility was like after the procedure.  He was optimistic and told us that most of his patients who wanted to have children afterwards were able to do so.  Aron and I had also been told by other doctors that even if I was able to get pregnant again I would most likely need to get a c-section.  You can imagine our surprise when we found out from this doctor it was actually the opposite. He told us it would be safer to try to have a vaginal delivery.  

After I had exhausted the doctor with all of my questions, Aron said "So how soon can we get this fixed?"  The doctor scheduled me for an embolization on March 26th.  I only had to wait 3 more days to finally have this issue resolved. 

I arrived for surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC early in the morning on March 26th.  I was extremely anxious, fighting the memory of my D&C back in December.  I don't think I would have been so anxious if the D&C hadn't gone the way it did.  It was supposed to be a simple outpatient procedure, and I ended up losing a lot of blood, fainting and being stuck at the hospital longer than expected.  I suppose that in combination with the horrific circumstances of my miscarriage made me a little wary of having another surgery.  After all, I had been told the D&C would be a simple surgery, and it didn't exactly turn out that way.  

Anyway, Aron prayed with me.  He held my hand and reassured me over and over again that everything was going to be alright.  He listened to my incessant worrying and never once seemed worried himself.  I have a strong husband.  I don't know what I would do without him... When they wheeled me down the hall all I could think was "Please don't make me let go of his hand.  I need him with me."  We were separated before they took me into the operating room, and all I could do was pray.  Honestly, I don't remember what I prayed.  I just remember talking to God.  

The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing the doctor.  He told me that everything went well.  I don't remember anything else he said.  I think I was still groggy because I remember waking up again and seeing Aron.  I don't remember what I said to Aron.  I remember being so relieved that he was there with me.  Later on, Aron told me that the first thing I did when I woke up was look at him and in a soft little voice say "Kiss me."

I stayed overnight at the hospital and almost miraculously right after the surgery my bleeding had finally stopped.  The next morning I woke up and felt great.  The doctor stopped by to see me and show me some before and after pictures of the surgery.  It was amazing.  Before the surgery there was this ball of tangled veins and blood vessels in my uterus.  After the surgery there was nothing, not even a trace of the avm.  He told me that it was not as bad as he had expected it may be and that because it was a "low flow" avm the probability of it returning was low.  He examined me and I was discharged an hour later.

There are no guarantees.  The chances that something like this might happen to me were 1 in millions, maybe even billions.  But God was with me for every second the last 4 months.  None of this was an accident.  It was all for my good.  The timing, the places, the people, the events - it was all in God's perfect plan.  I am not just another face in the crowd, not just another one of God's many children or a daughter of some distant God who doesn't have time for or interest in me.  All of this has transpired for a reason.  I may not know why or understand God's plan, but I am completely confident that it has all been for my good.  He has got me covered  right down to the very last, intricate detail.  

My God is SO big.

    

Goodness in Death

Some days I cling tightly to Christ, and I feel His presence so strongly.  Some days it is more difficult to rely completely on Him, to trust Him.  I am learning so much about my Savior lately.  Now, as I wait for my appointment to see the specialist I do find my thoughts wandering.  I am 1 out of billions of people.  Because what I have is so rare, there have not been very many people before me who have been treated for it.  Every possible scenario or outcome has run through my head.  I'm going to be very transparent here.  I've envisioned going to the doctor, having them run tests and being astounded because the avm has shrunk.  I've imagined dying on the table during surgery, and I've even imagined somehow getting this thing fixed, getting pregnant and making history by becoming the first woman with a uterine avm to have a full term vaginal birth with twins.  (I know.  I know.  This may be a little far-fetched, but I've seen God work miracles).  Some of my imaginary scenarios thrill me, and some of them scare me to death.  But you know what?  God is really doing a work in my heart.  He truly is because I am finding that even when I contemplate the worst case scenarios, He brings the TRUTH to my mind. He puts the memory in my mind of all the promises He's made to me and kept already.  Realistically, I should have died during my miscarriage or even during my D&C.  For some reason He has seen fit to preserve my life thus far.  "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." (Romans 8:28).  I was blessed that He revealed to me the "goodness" that came from my miscarriage.  It is bittersweet.  Losing the baby was horrible, but finding out that I may be alive because of it - well, it is overwhelming.  


We are so afraid of death.  Some of us are afraid of cancer, car accidents, a heart attack, plane crashes, choking to death, suffocation, or some other fatal disease or illness.  Yes, there are many many ways to die, too many to count.  We could contemplate them all day long.  Some of us are comforted by "odds."  What I mean by that is we might comfort ourselves by saying, "Well, that won't happen to me. Plane crashes are so rare" or, "I'm in perfect health.  The doctor says my heart sounds and looks great," or, "Cancer doesn't run in my family.  Everyone in my family has lived to be in their 90s."  Then there are others of us who are waiting, expecting something horrible around every corner.  We're just waiting for that freak accident to take us, or we see a doctor regularly (I'm not talking just regular appropriate checkups) just hoping to catch a problem before it catches us, or maybe we just think about dying everyday, wondering when it is coming.


There is no true comfort in "odds."  We don't know if we are going to be in the minority or the majority.  There is no way of knowing if we are the person who is going to live to be 100 or the person who is hit by a car while crossing the street.  Please understand.  I am not saying this for the sake of being morbid.  My point is that no one knows, no matter how young or old, healthy or sick, when our last day is.


Today is the first day that I think I really get this concept.  There is nothing that I or even the greatest physician in the world can do to preserve my own life.  I can exercise and try to eat right, and those things are great.  We should take care of and honor our bodies as God has commanded us to (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), but nothing we do can save us.  I want to merge these two concepts together: God is always always good to His children, no matter what our circumstances are, and God is the one who gives us life and chooses when it is time to take it away.


Why then should I be afraid of death?  If God is good all the time, then isn't He also good to me in my death? None of us can run away from dying.  In fact our birth and death has been predetermined.  "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5).  So if my time to die is today, tomorrow or 50 years from now it is good.  Whenever it is, it will be the perfect time because God is always good.


"And again,

“I will put my trust in him.”

And again,

“Behold, I and the children God has given me.”

  
Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.  For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham.  Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.  For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."  (Hebrews 2:13-18)

"Brethren, I know no man dies willingly, - no man living can have an habitual inclination to close cheerfully with this dissolution, -- but by looking upon it as a means to come to the enjoyment of Christ.  I tell you, your bodies are better to you than all the world, than all your goods, or any thing else.  But Christ is better to the soul than any thing: and therefore, unless it be for the enjoyment of Christ, let men pretend what they will, there is no man willing to part with the body, -- to be dissolved.  Grow in that desire of coming to Christ, and you will conquer the unwillingness of death." 


-- John Owen, The Works of John Owen, Vol. IX, p. 349

A Poem

This has been a favorite of mine for as long as I can remember.  My Grandmother had it on her refrigerator when I was growing up.  For obvious reasons, I've reflected on it quite a bit recently:

I may never see tomorrow
There's no written guarantee
And things that happened yesterday
Belong to history.

I cannot predict the future
I cannot change the past
I have just the present moment
I must treat it as my last.

I must use the moment wisely
For it soon will pass away
And be lost to me forever
As part of yesterday.

I must excercise compassion
Help the fallen to their feet
Be a friend unto the friendless
Make an emply life complete.

The unkind things I do today
May never be undone.
Any friendships that I fail to win
May nevermore be won.

I may not have another chance

On bended knee to pray,
And I thank God with humble heart
For giving me this day.

Unknown Author

Coincidence or Providence? (Part 2)

This is going to be a long one so brace yourself.

Since the D&C in December up until about a week ago, there has been no significant length of time that I haven't been bleeding on some level.  I kept telling myself it was my hormones, that my body was just trying to adjust after losing the baby.  I WANTED to think that I was being paranoid.  As it turns out I wasn't being paranoid at all.

Back when I miscarried, the ultrasound that showed there was no fetal heart rate anymore also caused the radiologist to be suspicious I had a bicornuate uterus.  This isn't a life threatening condition, but it can be serious enough that it will sometimes inhibit the survival of a baby in the uterus.  To put it simply, a bicornuate uterus is heart-shaped uterus with a septum running down the middle that can cut the uterus in half, thus not leaving enough room for a baby to develop in the womb.  Sometimes, if it is severe enough, it will cause miscarriages.  So, back to my point.  When my doctor read the report and saw suspicion of a bicornuate uterus, he told me to get an MRI a couple months after the miscarriage when my uterus was back to its normal size to investigate this possibility.

On Wednesday of last week I had the MRI done, which uncovered the cause of all of my medical issues and miscarriage in the last few months. The results of that MRI have determined that I have what is called a Uterine AVM (Uterine Arteriovenous Malformation).

I'm sure you have never heard of this condition before. (If you have, I am astounded). AVMs are usually found in the brain or other parts of the body. Uterine AVMs are so rare that there have only been about 100 cases reported throughout the world. It is a life threatening condition in which a section of blood vessels lacks capillary network, resulting from an artery being delivered directly to a vein. This places pressure on the vein, which over time, may weaken and burst causing a hemmorage. It is believed this condition may be congenital or acqured. (This definition was taken from an excerpt at (http://members.tripod.com/~Cath_Fisher/uterineAVM.html). To put it bluntly, if not discovered quickly enough these AVMs can be fatal.

Now, let's back track.  Most likely, my miscarriage was caused by this Uterine AVM.  Here is the kicker though.  Had I NOT had a miscarriage and carried the pregnancy much longer, there is a very good chance, according to my doctor, that I would have hemmoraged and died.  Coincidence or providence?  (That's rhetorical).

Let's go back to the MRI now.  Pay attention now.  The reason I went for the MRI was because an ultrasound showed the possibility of bicornuate uterus.  Well, the MRI showed that there are NO signs of bicornuate uterus.  That MRI was COMPLETELY providence.  Had the radiologist not made the mistake of seeing a bicornuate uterus I may never have had that MRI.  Had I not had the MRI, I may not have discovered I had a Uterine AVM.  Had I not discovered I had a Uterine AVM...you get the picture.

Let's go back to the D&C now.  It is a well known fact that when a woman has a Uterine AVM, it is just about the riskiest and worst thing to do a D&C.  The results can be catastrophic.  My hemmorage after the D&C was most likely caused by the Uterine AVM.  As a side note, in all fairness to my doctor, there is really almost no way he could have known I had a Uterine AVM at this point.  This condition is so rare, that I do not know if any doctor would have thought my bleeding during this miscarriage was caused by it.  I am just grateful that God guided his hands so that he was able stop the bleeding.  Knowing now how a D&C could have been fatal for me at that point - I realize God spared my life yet again that day.  Coincidence? No way.

Sheer providence.  All of it.  I have left out several other examples, that are equally as incredible as those listed above, of God's providence during this time, because they involve other people.  I want to respect their privacy so I do not want to mention any names.  But isn't this enough?  My life was spared over and over again.  The only reason we came to my diagnosis was because of a "mistake" a radiologist made.  What a wonderful mistake that was!  After all of this, I just cannot understand how anyone could even WONDER if there is a God.  This post only covers a few examples over the last 3 months of His obvious existence and love and mercy.  I could go back throughout my life and list example after example.

Today, I am just overcome by Him.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

Coincidence or Providence? (Part 1)

I'm going to venture away from my usual topics today.  I have been avoiding writing anything about this subject due to its deeply personal nature, but I feel that I can no longer omit it as it has become such a huge part of my daily life.

I suffered a miscarriage in December of last year (2009).  I learned I was pregnant in November and had heavy bleeding with large clots for about 4 weeks before we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat.  Yes, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through.  After some episodes of severely heavy bleeding, several ultrasounds, trips to the doctor, a visit to the emergency room and weeks of praying, God in His mercy took our little one home to be with him.  On December 23rd, I went in for a scheduled D&C to remove the tissue that my body was not passing.  When I was being prepared for surgery they took my temperature and discovered I was beginning to run a fever.  The nurse informed me that had I waited much longer I may have been in a very serious situation.  In God's providence He spared me from a possibly dangerous infection.

When I came out of anesthesia and saw the doctor standing in front of me he told me that I lost an unusual amount of blood after the procedure but assured me that the procedure had been successful.  This is one of the most amazing examples of God's providence during this ordeal, but I'm not going to explain why just yet.  You will read about this more later on.

Losing my baby was the most painful trial I have ever experienced.  But here I am 3 months later, and just a few days ago God has blessed me by allowing me to see just a glimmer of his amazing, unfathomable providence.  My miscarriage probably saved my life.