It is all so confusing to me. There is some part of me deep down inside that feels like if that picture isn't up there it will be as though Walter never existed. As it stands, there is so little that is tangible evidence of Walter's life...a little box of tattered ultrasound pictures, the blanket my mother made for him to be swaddled in, some sympathy cards, his hand prints in my Bible. It just doesn't seem right. There should be more.
I took one of the mini roses we had laid on his coffin and put it in a picture frame last week. We have a montage of family photos on our living room wall, but Walter isn't there. Instead across the room sits a frame with that rose in it, and I feel guilty. Because that rose belongs on the wall with the rest of our family. Walter should be on that wall with his brother. The frame doesn't have a hook to hang it on the wall so I left it sitting up on our wine cabinet. I need to hang that picture up with the rest of the family. Maybe I should just buy a new frame, one that I can hang on the wall. But I don't want to because that frame is for Walter; it's solid, firm, heavy, enduring. It was meant for Walter.
Maybe this all sounds a little crazy. Maybe it sounds scattered. I guess I'm still sifting through it all. I'm just trying to understand, and I don't know how to do any of this. I don't know the right way.
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