I know I'm going a little crazy here with the videos, but music is such a huge part of who I am. It moves me in a way that I cannot explain. Had to post this one.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Here We Go Again
In the last week I've had the flu, an upper respiratory infection, a sick toddler and the return of my AVM symptoms, all while my husband has been away on business. Aron and I are both thankful for the assistance of friends and my Mom. I really appreciate getting to live so close to my parents during times like these. My Mom or my sister-in-law will just scoop Ethan up from me and take care of him for days at a time. It is such a huge blessing. Then there's our friend Natalie, who as soon as she hears that I'm having any trouble is quick to offer to visit with me, make us a meal or do absolutely anything I might need help with. Family and friends - I don't know what I would do without them.
I have been a little discouraged recently, especially with the AVM symptoms. I really thought this was all behind me. I mean in the back of my mind I knew there was a chance it could return. There is no guarantee that the surgery will work for the first time, but I guess it was all such a nightmare I was very quick to hope that those days were over. It is actually not uncommon for a woman to have to have the surgery a second time. I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category.
I'm jumping the gun a little in saying all this because I haven't had the tests done yet to confirm that the AVM is what my problem is, but I do know that what I'm experiencing is pretty much identical to what I experienced before the last time I needed the surgery. I wish it was just my imagination. Unfortunately, it is very real.
Anyway, on to more positive thoughts. Today I had a little breakthrough. I've been pretty down between being so sick, Aron being away for work, not being able to go for a run in 8 days (yikes!) and the pain and bleeding that are associated with the AVM. I will admit that I was fighting back tears all morning (okay, I may have lost the fight a couple times). I was having a really tough time. But I've been talking to God a lot today and I guess talking to myself too. I've been asking God for grace and mercy, that He would do a work in my mind so that I will continue even during all of this to focus on Him and find my fulfillment in Him. I've been asking Him to grant me that amazing peace and joy that we find in Him no matter what trials we are experiencing. And God in his abundant love has been so good as to answer my prayer almost instantly. Already today I've been feeling his incredible presence. Believe me - I am struggling. This isn't just an easy quick fix. It requires some work on my part as well. I have to keep reminding myself of His promises to me. I've been singing hymns and reciting Scripture to myself, but I am so grateful yet again that I already feel how near He is.
I have just been finding so much in the last few weeks that the more I immerse myself in Him, the closer I grow toward Him. And that is what I want so much more than anything, more than I want to be able to breathe. I am starving for more of Him all the time. I just want to be full of Christ so much that I'm bursting at the seams. I want Christ to be spilling out all over my life and touching everyone around me. And it seems that the more I get the more I want. It will never be enough.
My comfort today has been that some day this will all be over, and when it is I will finally meet God. I will finally be face to face with this increible, unfathomable, all-consuming, omniscient, perfect, holy, just, loving and magnificent God who has done things in my life that are so incredible I can barely comprehend it.
Give me Jesus.
I have been a little discouraged recently, especially with the AVM symptoms. I really thought this was all behind me. I mean in the back of my mind I knew there was a chance it could return. There is no guarantee that the surgery will work for the first time, but I guess it was all such a nightmare I was very quick to hope that those days were over. It is actually not uncommon for a woman to have to have the surgery a second time. I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category.
I'm jumping the gun a little in saying all this because I haven't had the tests done yet to confirm that the AVM is what my problem is, but I do know that what I'm experiencing is pretty much identical to what I experienced before the last time I needed the surgery. I wish it was just my imagination. Unfortunately, it is very real.
Anyway, on to more positive thoughts. Today I had a little breakthrough. I've been pretty down between being so sick, Aron being away for work, not being able to go for a run in 8 days (yikes!) and the pain and bleeding that are associated with the AVM. I will admit that I was fighting back tears all morning (okay, I may have lost the fight a couple times). I was having a really tough time. But I've been talking to God a lot today and I guess talking to myself too. I've been asking God for grace and mercy, that He would do a work in my mind so that I will continue even during all of this to focus on Him and find my fulfillment in Him. I've been asking Him to grant me that amazing peace and joy that we find in Him no matter what trials we are experiencing. And God in his abundant love has been so good as to answer my prayer almost instantly. Already today I've been feeling his incredible presence. Believe me - I am struggling. This isn't just an easy quick fix. It requires some work on my part as well. I have to keep reminding myself of His promises to me. I've been singing hymns and reciting Scripture to myself, but I am so grateful yet again that I already feel how near He is.
I have just been finding so much in the last few weeks that the more I immerse myself in Him, the closer I grow toward Him. And that is what I want so much more than anything, more than I want to be able to breathe. I am starving for more of Him all the time. I just want to be full of Christ so much that I'm bursting at the seams. I want Christ to be spilling out all over my life and touching everyone around me. And it seems that the more I get the more I want. It will never be enough.
My comfort today has been that some day this will all be over, and when it is I will finally meet God. I will finally be face to face with this increible, unfathomable, all-consuming, omniscient, perfect, holy, just, loving and magnificent God who has done things in my life that are so incredible I can barely comprehend it.
Give me Jesus.
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