Worlds Apart

Almost 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. That was the day my body began going through the process of miscarrying my little one, and that was the day my world started to "tear apart."  


I was listening to Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart" today.  Since the moment I first heard it it has carried a special significance for me, but today I was overwhelmed even more so than I usually am by it.  I couldn't listen to it without getting emotional.  And today I realized something was different.  I was just completely awe struck with the fact that God has done so unbelievably much in my life recently. 


The last several months have been by far some of the most difficult of my life, but I am also convinced that the last several months have played a tremendous role in my growth as a Christian.  I can say with confidence that "sanctification-wise" this has been one of the most influential periods of my life.  I have never loved Christ as much as I do today.  God has used the loss of a child, life threatening medical issues, personal struggles with fear and anxiety, a large stack of medical bills on my desk and being faced with the possibility that I may not have anymore children to truly "take my world apart."   


I feel His presence so strongly today.  Honestly, I don't know if I would be in this place spiritually had I not been brought to my knees the way I have.  But I know His truth, THE truth.  I know that His purposes are greater than mine, and I know that the purpose of this life isn't for me to get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after (not that there's anything wrong with that).  No, it is so much greater than that.  My purpose is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him.  I have always struggled with letting go and giving certain areas of my life to Him.  There has been so much I've wanted and so much that I think I just - expected.  But my life is not my own, and the harder I tug and hold on to the things that are so valuable and precious to me, the more He is gently loosening my grip.  I am really beginning to see the beauty of God's plan for me and the beauty of giving in and giving it all to Him. 


Here is an excerpt of "Worlds Apart" that really got me reflecting on all of this:


"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"

Dear Mom...

You carried me for 9 months in your womb, 9 months of morning sickness and a hospital stay for dehydration.  You survived the sleepless nights and thousands of dirty diapers.  You wiped my tears when I cried.  I scraped my knees and you kissed my "boo boos."  You sang to me.  You sang with me.  You held my hand.  When I was afraid you made me feel safe.  You have been my encourager, my protector, my disciplinarian, my biggest supporter.  You were there for every soccer game, every concert, every school play, every emergency room visit and every adolescent disaster.  You sacrificed so much so that I would never have to be without.  You prayed...and prayed...and prayed...and prayed.  You knew when to say yes.  You knew when to say no (even when you didn't want to).  You knew when it was time to let go.  You juggled 4 children, a job, a home, a husband, being your parents' caretaker, the PTA, church committees, being the girls youth group leader, and you somehow still always managed to have time for me.  You always made me feel special.  You listened to my problems, and though they were so small at the time, you loved me enough not to minimize them.  You gave the best advice.  I could trust you with anything.  When I suffered, so did you.  You have wept silent tears for me that I still do not even know about.  You have listened to my fears, reassured me, and reminded me that God is always in control.  You have hugged me and made me feel loved for as long as I can remember.

Being a mother myself now I am sure there is so much you have done for me that I am not even aware of.  But of what I know, I am in awe.  You are deserving of so much honor. You did it all, and you did it with a smile.  I am amazed, and as I raise my own child I am learning even more everyday just how much you have done for me.  I am so grateful that God chose YOU to be my Mom.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all."  Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:28-30)

You truly have the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman.  I am praising God for you today.  Thank you for being my Mom.

Love,
Megan

When My Desires Become Demands

What do you desire?  A new job, recognition, children, a spouse, money, a house, a car?  Many of our desires can be Godly.  There is nothing wrong with wanting children, someone to share your life with or a nice place to live in.  These desires only become wrong when they become our focus, when they take the place of God in our heart.

Do you ever find yourself longing to steal away to spend a few moments with God?  Sometimes, throughout the day I will be struck with this feeling.  It is similar to the feeling I get when I am anticipating an evening out with my husband, knowing our son will be with a babysitter and we will have no expectations of us except to focus completely on each other.  It is one of my favorite things to do, to just "be" with my husband.  But I have to ask myself, is it that way with God and me?  Do I truly long for Him?  To be with Him?  To communicate, get to know Him, meditate on Him?  He is my Father, my Redeemer, the one man who can and has saved me from eternal damnation, and who has prepared an eternal place for me in Heaven with Him.  No one in this life has or can even come close to the place that He should have in my life.  I say "should" because although I have those times throughout the day that I wish I could spend with Him, they still do not happen quite as often as they should or as I'd like them to.  I would say that I have a long way to go regarding this area.  Thank the Lord for sanctification. :)

We really need to examine ourselves.  We need to put our lives in order, put our desires in the place they belong.  I have had many many desires throughout my life, and I know that all too many times they have taken the place of my Father.  They have taken up so much of my heart that I have had very little room left there for God.  I've also noticed that during those times in my life, where I am not right spiritually, everything just seems hopeless. It is incredibly shameful.

But there is hope.  Now here is the awesome part.

Needless to say the last few months have proven especially trying, but when God has had His proper place in my heart, I have found that I can handle just about anything.  When I have faced trials that seem too difficult to bear and sometimes down right frightening, I am reminded of God's promises to me:  "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5).  "If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, Move from here to there, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20).  I cannot express how incredibly empowering this is even in some of the worst circumstances.  This is why I will never be able to understand how anyone could hear the Gospel and choose to go their own way.  Why anyone would want to go it alone is beyond me.  Where there is Christ, there is peace, hope and comfort.  And the absolute best part about all of this, is that it is everlasting.  There is nothing better, and in my eyes there is no alternative.

May my desire for Him be far greater than my desire for anything else.

Favorite Free 3 of the week!

With so many great deals out there this week it is hard to choose, but here are my favorite free three items of the week:

Gillette Fusion Power or Manual Razor
Where: Rite Aid
How: combine the online Single Check Rebate program + $4 coupon in the P&G insert in the April 4 newspaper
When: April 4 - April 10

GE Energy Smart Light Bulbs
Where: Target
How: combine Target store coupon for $2 + $1 manufacturer coupon
When: April 4 - April 10

Hall's Cough Drops
Where: Shop Rite
How: $1 coupon from 3/28 newspaper insert
When: April 4 - April 10

"Meeting God"

Lately I have been immersing myself in an amazing little book "The Valley of Vision," which is a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions.  It is so deep and beautiful I simply cannot miss the opportunity to share just a small portion of it.  I have been drawn frequently to this prayer entitled "Meeting God" in particular:


Great God,

In public and private, in sanctuary and home,

     may my life be steeped in prayer,

   filled with the spirit of grace and supplication,

   each prayer perfumed with the incense

     of atoning blood.

Help me, defend me, until from praying ground

I pass to the realm of unceasing praise.

Urged by my need,

   invited by thy promises,

   called by thy Spirit,

   I enter thy presence,

     worshipping thee with godly fear,

     awed by thy majesty, greatness, glory,

     but encouraged by thy love.

I am all poverty as well as all guilt,

   having nothing of my own with which

     to repay thee,

But I bring Jesus to thee in the arms of faith,

   pleading his righteousness to offset my iniquities,

   rejoicing that he will weigh down the scales

      for me,

   and satisfy thy justice.

I bless thee that great sin draws out great grace,

   that, although the least sin

      deserves infinite punishment

      because done against an infinite God,

   yet there is mercy for me,

   for where guilt is most terrible,

   there thy mercy in Christ is most free and deep.

Bless me by revealing to me more of  his saving

      merits,

   by causing thy goodness to pass before me,

   by speaking peace to my contrite heart;

Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ

      shall reign supreme within me,

   in every thought, word, and deed,

   in a faith that purifies the heart,

         overcomes the world,

         works by love,

         fastens me to thee,

         and ever clings to the cross.

Where is my hope, my heart, my soul these days?  What am I focused on?  Where is my trust?  I recently have been reminded by my sister in Christ and best friend of 18 years, Danielle, that when we face trials those are opportunities, given to us by God himself, to ask Him, "God, what are you trying to teach me right now?  In this difficult circumstance, what are you trying to show me, Lord?  What do you want me to know?"  My prayer today is that God would continue to "Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ shall reign supreme within me, in every thought, word, and deed, in a faith that purifies the heart, overcomes the world, works by love, fastens me to thee, and ever clings to the cross."  

Surgery

I had my appointment with the specialist on March 22nd.  It went better than I ever could have hoped.  My main concerns were preserving my fertility, being able to have a natural birth (not a c-section) and obviously just having my condition corrected.  Aron and I were both astounded that when we asked the doctor  how many uterine avms he has treated in the past, he said he had embolized about 50 or 60.  50 or 60!  Originally, everyone was telling us we should be satisfied if we could find a doctor who had treated even just a couple.  But 50 or 60?  What a relief it was to hear that.  We asked him what the outlook on fertility was like after the procedure.  He was optimistic and told us that most of his patients who wanted to have children afterwards were able to do so.  Aron and I had also been told by other doctors that even if I was able to get pregnant again I would most likely need to get a c-section.  You can imagine our surprise when we found out from this doctor it was actually the opposite. He told us it would be safer to try to have a vaginal delivery.  

After I had exhausted the doctor with all of my questions, Aron said "So how soon can we get this fixed?"  The doctor scheduled me for an embolization on March 26th.  I only had to wait 3 more days to finally have this issue resolved. 

I arrived for surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC early in the morning on March 26th.  I was extremely anxious, fighting the memory of my D&C back in December.  I don't think I would have been so anxious if the D&C hadn't gone the way it did.  It was supposed to be a simple outpatient procedure, and I ended up losing a lot of blood, fainting and being stuck at the hospital longer than expected.  I suppose that in combination with the horrific circumstances of my miscarriage made me a little wary of having another surgery.  After all, I had been told the D&C would be a simple surgery, and it didn't exactly turn out that way.  

Anyway, Aron prayed with me.  He held my hand and reassured me over and over again that everything was going to be alright.  He listened to my incessant worrying and never once seemed worried himself.  I have a strong husband.  I don't know what I would do without him... When they wheeled me down the hall all I could think was "Please don't make me let go of his hand.  I need him with me."  We were separated before they took me into the operating room, and all I could do was pray.  Honestly, I don't remember what I prayed.  I just remember talking to God.  

The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing the doctor.  He told me that everything went well.  I don't remember anything else he said.  I think I was still groggy because I remember waking up again and seeing Aron.  I don't remember what I said to Aron.  I remember being so relieved that he was there with me.  Later on, Aron told me that the first thing I did when I woke up was look at him and in a soft little voice say "Kiss me."

I stayed overnight at the hospital and almost miraculously right after the surgery my bleeding had finally stopped.  The next morning I woke up and felt great.  The doctor stopped by to see me and show me some before and after pictures of the surgery.  It was amazing.  Before the surgery there was this ball of tangled veins and blood vessels in my uterus.  After the surgery there was nothing, not even a trace of the avm.  He told me that it was not as bad as he had expected it may be and that because it was a "low flow" avm the probability of it returning was low.  He examined me and I was discharged an hour later.

There are no guarantees.  The chances that something like this might happen to me were 1 in millions, maybe even billions.  But God was with me for every second the last 4 months.  None of this was an accident.  It was all for my good.  The timing, the places, the people, the events - it was all in God's perfect plan.  I am not just another face in the crowd, not just another one of God's many children or a daughter of some distant God who doesn't have time for or interest in me.  All of this has transpired for a reason.  I may not know why or understand God's plan, but I am completely confident that it has all been for my good.  He has got me covered  right down to the very last, intricate detail.  

My God is SO big.

    

Goodness in Death

Some days I cling tightly to Christ, and I feel His presence so strongly.  Some days it is more difficult to rely completely on Him, to trust Him.  I am learning so much about my Savior lately.  Now, as I wait for my appointment to see the specialist I do find my thoughts wandering.  I am 1 out of billions of people.  Because what I have is so rare, there have not been very many people before me who have been treated for it.  Every possible scenario or outcome has run through my head.  I'm going to be very transparent here.  I've envisioned going to the doctor, having them run tests and being astounded because the avm has shrunk.  I've imagined dying on the table during surgery, and I've even imagined somehow getting this thing fixed, getting pregnant and making history by becoming the first woman with a uterine avm to have a full term vaginal birth with twins.  (I know.  I know.  This may be a little far-fetched, but I've seen God work miracles).  Some of my imaginary scenarios thrill me, and some of them scare me to death.  But you know what?  God is really doing a work in my heart.  He truly is because I am finding that even when I contemplate the worst case scenarios, He brings the TRUTH to my mind. He puts the memory in my mind of all the promises He's made to me and kept already.  Realistically, I should have died during my miscarriage or even during my D&C.  For some reason He has seen fit to preserve my life thus far.  "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." (Romans 8:28).  I was blessed that He revealed to me the "goodness" that came from my miscarriage.  It is bittersweet.  Losing the baby was horrible, but finding out that I may be alive because of it - well, it is overwhelming.  


We are so afraid of death.  Some of us are afraid of cancer, car accidents, a heart attack, plane crashes, choking to death, suffocation, or some other fatal disease or illness.  Yes, there are many many ways to die, too many to count.  We could contemplate them all day long.  Some of us are comforted by "odds."  What I mean by that is we might comfort ourselves by saying, "Well, that won't happen to me. Plane crashes are so rare" or, "I'm in perfect health.  The doctor says my heart sounds and looks great," or, "Cancer doesn't run in my family.  Everyone in my family has lived to be in their 90s."  Then there are others of us who are waiting, expecting something horrible around every corner.  We're just waiting for that freak accident to take us, or we see a doctor regularly (I'm not talking just regular appropriate checkups) just hoping to catch a problem before it catches us, or maybe we just think about dying everyday, wondering when it is coming.


There is no true comfort in "odds."  We don't know if we are going to be in the minority or the majority.  There is no way of knowing if we are the person who is going to live to be 100 or the person who is hit by a car while crossing the street.  Please understand.  I am not saying this for the sake of being morbid.  My point is that no one knows, no matter how young or old, healthy or sick, when our last day is.


Today is the first day that I think I really get this concept.  There is nothing that I or even the greatest physician in the world can do to preserve my own life.  I can exercise and try to eat right, and those things are great.  We should take care of and honor our bodies as God has commanded us to (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), but nothing we do can save us.  I want to merge these two concepts together: God is always always good to His children, no matter what our circumstances are, and God is the one who gives us life and chooses when it is time to take it away.


Why then should I be afraid of death?  If God is good all the time, then isn't He also good to me in my death? None of us can run away from dying.  In fact our birth and death has been predetermined.  "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5).  So if my time to die is today, tomorrow or 50 years from now it is good.  Whenever it is, it will be the perfect time because God is always good.


"And again,

“I will put my trust in him.”

And again,

“Behold, I and the children God has given me.”

  
Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.  For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham.  Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.  For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."  (Hebrews 2:13-18)