Worlds Apart

Almost 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. That was the day my body began going through the process of miscarrying my little one, and that was the day my world started to "tear apart."  


I was listening to Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart" today.  Since the moment I first heard it it has carried a special significance for me, but today I was overwhelmed even more so than I usually am by it.  I couldn't listen to it without getting emotional.  And today I realized something was different.  I was just completely awe struck with the fact that God has done so unbelievably much in my life recently. 


The last several months have been by far some of the most difficult of my life, but I am also convinced that the last several months have played a tremendous role in my growth as a Christian.  I can say with confidence that "sanctification-wise" this has been one of the most influential periods of my life.  I have never loved Christ as much as I do today.  God has used the loss of a child, life threatening medical issues, personal struggles with fear and anxiety, a large stack of medical bills on my desk and being faced with the possibility that I may not have anymore children to truly "take my world apart."   


I feel His presence so strongly today.  Honestly, I don't know if I would be in this place spiritually had I not been brought to my knees the way I have.  But I know His truth, THE truth.  I know that His purposes are greater than mine, and I know that the purpose of this life isn't for me to get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after (not that there's anything wrong with that).  No, it is so much greater than that.  My purpose is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him.  I have always struggled with letting go and giving certain areas of my life to Him.  There has been so much I've wanted and so much that I think I just - expected.  But my life is not my own, and the harder I tug and hold on to the things that are so valuable and precious to me, the more He is gently loosening my grip.  I am really beginning to see the beauty of God's plan for me and the beauty of giving in and giving it all to Him. 


Here is an excerpt of "Worlds Apart" that really got me reflecting on all of this:


"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"