The Struggle

I have been wondering for weeks now the longer my pregnancy progresses, if it will get more difficult or will I just sort of go numb, like being in survival mode? To be honest I had hoped for the numbness over the difficulty. As it turns out, there is no numbness. Instead, a deeper love and attachment to my baby grows inside of me each day I see my belly growing.

I am not sure if I'm wrong in feeling that way. I just know it has been one year since the last time I found out I was pregnant and all of the life-changing events that followed. If I took all the suffering in my lifetime and combined it and compared it to all of the suffering of the last year, there would still be no comparison. There is this huge part of me that is saying "How long, oh Lord?" It is hard to imagine that I will be able to handle what is to come; my single comfort is that God will give me grace to deal with whatever it is.

Everyday is unique. Some days I feel so empowered by God, and I just think "I can do this. He will give me the strength." There are other days, most days, that I'm fighting a war. Those are the days that I open the cabinet in my kitchen to get Ethan's sippy cup, my breast pump catches my eye and I can feel my heart break. Or I see a movie where a mother is in labor, and I feel my eyes well up with tears when her child enters the world. Or I see a very pregnant woman in the mall and can't help but wonder "Will I make it that far? Will my baby make it that far?"... Then God reminds me of the precious gift I'm carrying in that moment as I feel my little one move inside me.

Today I am just grateful that I know His power is made perfect in my weakness because I am utterly helpless and weak on my own.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5