God's Waiting Room

It is hard for me to type the words, let alone think them.  Our baby is not viable.  My doctors' suspicions were confirmed yesterday.  After an ultrasound, which took 15 minutes but seemed like forever, we were informed that our precious 16 week old baby has a two vessel umbilical cord (should be three), a heart defect, an obstruction in the intestines, half of one leg and no kidneys.  There is almost no fluid around the baby (because there are no kidneys).  This was the most difficult ultrasound I've ever had.  I could see that the baby was not really moving because there was obviously no room to move with the lack of fluid.  His little heart was still beating away though.

I'm yet again in a minority of people.  The doctor at the ultrasound said that in his 30 years of experience he has never seen a baby survive in the uterus this long with so many problems.  I suppose that in itself is a miracle.  I don't understand God's plan; I know that his ways are so much greater than mine could ever be.  Still, I can't help but admit that it is so difficult to accept.

I wonder if the baby is suffering.  All of the organs are there (the ones that actually developed when they were supposed to anyway), and I guess there must be nerves there too.  The baby is squished in there with no real room to move, and with so many things going wrong inside his little body, is it hurting him?

One of the hardest parts in all of this is knowing that although this child is still growing inside me, and I am his mother, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to help him.  I can't even cuddle him in my arms and let him know I'm here and that I love him and that I would do anything just to be able to protect him from what is to come.  I can't keep him safe.

Needless to say the doctor has recommended that we terminate the pregnancy.  I think it goes without saying that is not an option and never will be. There are so many unknowns ahead of us. Again, my health is at risk, my fertility is at risk, we have many decisions that will need to be made, and as Grandma Ferrier spent most of her adult life saying "We are in God's waiting room."

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5