Giving It All to God (even when it isn't easy)

I should be over 13 weeks pregnant today, but going by my measurements I'm barely 12.  We learned that things weren't right from the beginning because at my 6 week ultrasound the baby was measuring too small.  Actually, at that point there wasn't even a baby visible; there was only an empty sac, which was an indicator that things just weren't developing as they should.  Since then it has been a complete roller coaster.  We saw a heartbeat, and we thought we may be out of the woods.  Shortly after that, I had another ultrasound that showed our baby may only have one leg and a possible omphicole (the bowel growing into the umbilical cord).  Then this past week things were a little more conclusive.

We had an ultrasound yesterday that showed the baby's left leg was missing, and the right one is also abnormal.  The doctor also believes that the organs may be developing incorrectly.  As of today, we have no idea what is wrong with our baby, and we don't know if the baby will be viable outside of the womb.

(We don't know the sex of our baby, but I'm going to refer to this child as "he" from now on instead of him or her).

Having a disabled child is more difficult than I can imagine, but having a child, no matter what his physical and mental struggles are, is something that I am honored to do.  A child is a child.  A child is a blessing, and a "fetus" is a baby, a human being.  As we watched the baby wriggle around on the ultrasound screen I was struck by the tragedy of the millions and millions of women who have been in my same situation and turned to their doctors and said, "Get rid of it."  I watched that sweet, active little 2" baby and was just amazed.  This baby is not developing like a healthy child, but that doesn't make him any less of a person.  I just can't understand how anyone could decide that their baby doesn't deserve a chance.  It isn't my choice...or my desire.

My hope is that this baby survives, that I meet this little one and raise him to know that he is perfect and whole just the way God made him.  My hope is for a miracle, that even now God might be healing this little one's body.  But I have an even greater hope, and it has taken me 28 long years to finally get here.

My greatest hope is that God would be honored and glorified in this situation.  I want to have more children.  Anyone who has been reading this blog has to know that by now.  It is one of my strongest desires, and at one point it became my sole desire.  That was so wrong.  Over the last year God has been loosening my grip on this desire that slowly and quietly developed into a NEED.  My desire for more children is still there, and it is still strong.  But my greatest need is for Christ and His purposes.  I have found that the more God loosens my grip on the things that I want, the more He becomes what I want and what I need.  I have also found that true satisfaction, fulfillment and joy only comes when He is in the center of it all.  

I hope this doesn't sound flippant.  I love this child.  I take time every single day to put my hands on my tummy and pray for this baby.  I want this child, but what I want more is for God to make the decision how long his life span will be.  My reasoning for this is that I know - I'm 100% certain that whatever God decides for my baby is what is best and right for him.  Is there any greater comfort?  I am so grateful that He is in charge because HE IS GOD.  He created us and gives us every breath we take.  There are no better hands, not even mine, for this little one's life to be in.  

I have the privilege of being the vessel that God has chosen my baby to live in and grow inside of.  As my best friend Danielle so (as usual) perfectly phrased it, "God chose ME for this."  It is all providence, and it is all part of his perfect plan.  I trust Him.  This was no accident.  

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I have absolutely no idea what the future holds.  But His grace is sufficient for me.