Be Killing Sin

I held off on writing about this for weeks.  I was anxious from the beginning and thinking "If I'm going to miscarry I want to do it privately."  Is that hopeless or what?  I'm not going to sugar coat it.  The way I was thinking was just plain prideful.  I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, but worse than that I didn't want to feel the shame publicly of losing another child.

I bet this doesn't make sense to most people.  I can't speak for all women who have been through a miscarriage, and also let me preface this by saying I realize how completely irrational this is but... for me, miscarrying was shameful.  I felt guilty and embarrassed.  I felt that I had somehow failed to protect my child, like it was something I could have controlled.  I thought "I should have been able to carry this baby to term." As I said before, and I think this is worse than feeling guilty, I was embarrassed.  There was something about losing my baby, and having everyone know about it that made me feel like a loser.  I'm going to cut to the chase.  It was pride.  It was a fear that people would look down at me.

This summer I was struck with my lack of humility.  I felt very convicted in many ways of this sin; in the way that I spoke to people (or spoke too much), the way that I listened (or more often the lack thereof), and in the way that I thought of myself.  I wrestled, and still do, with this terribly.  I was determined to kill this sin, so I prayed and studied the subject (there are some great resources out there).  As time went by and I became pregnant, I realized how connected these two sins are with each other and just how deeply I struggle with both.  Pride is a feeling of self-respect or self-worth, and a lack of humility pretty much happens when our pride is in overdrive.  In not wanting others to know that I was pregnant and that I was told I would likely miscarry, I was acting proudly, refusing an opportunity to be humble and losing out on the prayers and encouragement of my Christian brothers and sisters.

I know that part of the battle is being able to recognize our sins, but that is just the beginning.  I'm not going to lie.  It is still an uphill battle, but my hope is that in writing this and sharing it with those who love me, I will have to be accountable.  When we struggle in secret and hide our ugly sinful nature we are only hurting ourselves and stunting our own growth.  And my goal is still to be more like Jesus.  I don't want to do anything that is going to prevent me from growing in Christ.  So here it is.  I'm laying it bare.