I was recently looking at the testimony I had written to "rejoin" my church about two years ago, and I thought I would post it. If you want to know who I am, here it is:
When I was growing up my grandparents, Walter and Elspeth Ferrier, who I loved so dearly, along with my parents, Andy and Fiona Eskow, were phenomenal sources of wisdom, encouragement and love. I was blessed beyond belief to have people in my love who understood the unfathomable value of knowing my Lord and personal Savior. Today, the majority of parents focus on providing for their children’s physical and emotional needs. Please understand, I believe those things are very important and crucial for a child to have while they are growing up, but you know as well as I do that this is not enough training for the spiritual battleground that our souls are faced with on a daily basis. I was so blessed to be given such a gift, such a foundation. I have always believed that, and I know this is only by God’s mercy, grace and love for me as his daughter.
I was faced with plenty of torment growing up, but as a child it was easy to be strong. I knew that there was something much more vital facing me when I left this earth. I knew that the trials I was facing as a child were well worth the gift of eternal life that I had been given (once again, only by God’s grace). I had an amazing support system consisting of parents and grandparents who loved the Lord and me, not to mention my spiritual family at Church of the Covenant. Calvinettes, Sunday School, corporate worship. The fellowship of other believers became such a source of strength for me. Bible study with my grandfather throughout my teen years (often focusing on the book of Romans) is one of my most treasured memories as a teen. Every time we read Romans 7:13-25 I was reminded of my ugly heart. Paul’s words in those verses were the ever present words that had been written on my heart. Each time I read it, I felt that the book was written specifically to me. The more I read Romans, the more I was convicted and saddened at my failure and sin. My heart ached, and I was truly grieved. My Grandad and I often wept together when we read that chapter. I grew to have a deeper understanding of my sin and struggled, “warring against the law of my mind” (vs. 23). As I grew older, the spiritual revelation God gave me had only made me realize more how odious and sinful my heart were. There was so much pressure to do indulge in behaviors that were not of the Lord. There was temptation, and I soon discovered that the blissful days of childhood were fleeting. Being a young Christian woman was more difficult than I ever expected. I made mistakes, I fell flat on my face and sinned daily over and over again. I encountered long, tedious battles of spiritual warfare. My sin grieved me so, and I often had doubts about “being worthy” of Christ’s love. I went through such a horrible time for several years. Much of my sin had left me scarred and miserable, feeling worthless. I struggled for years with depression and feeling unworthy of Christ’s love. I still had my support system, my grandparents, my parents and brothers and sisters in Christ, but I felt so ashamed of who I was that it became nearly impossible for me to face my brothers and sisters in Christ. I didn’t want anyone to see how sinful my heart was. I knew I was saved, but I had doubts. How could Christ love me? How could a Father who laid down His life for me and gave me the most important gift in life, love a child who scorned Him, who slapped Him in the face on a daily basis? The fact of the matter was, I was relying on myself. I wasn’t using the support system God had provided for me. I forsook the “gathering together of the saints,” sending myself even more quickly into the downward spiral I had been headed in.
God has been so good to me. Even now, as I sit here and type the words on this page, my eyes well up with tears when I consider His endless love for me. I am His child. He chose me, not of my own merit (obviously), and my heart is overflowing today with thankfulness. For years, I have been just like Adam and Eve, hiding amongst the trees, ashamed of my sin, cowering and wishing that God wouldn’t see me, trying to “do things my way.“ In recent months, my Lord and Savior has been so incredibly merciful to me and opened my eyes to the fact that no matter how sinful, disgusting and disgraceful my heart is… I am His forever. I still weep for my sin, but I so often weep with joy now at His infinite love for me. “My cup runneth over.” I still hate my sin so much and pray for grace daily to honor God and put away my transgressions, but I realize now that there is nothing I can do to save myself. What a blessing for that revelation!
One of my favorite books has become “Principles of Conduct” by John Murray. There is a chapter that speaks of law and grace. In it Murray says, “The simple truth is that if law is conceived of as contributing in the least degree towards our acceptance with God and our justification by Him, then the gospel of grace is a nullity. And the issue is so sharply and incisively drawn that, if we rely in any respect upon compliance with law for our acceptance with God, then Christ will profit us nothing.” Grace is not a nullity; God’s grace has saved me. Praise God!! I am His, and He is mine. “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God” (Eph. 2:8,9).
I was faced with plenty of torment growing up, but as a child it was easy to be strong. I knew that there was something much more vital facing me when I left this earth. I knew that the trials I was facing as a child were well worth the gift of eternal life that I had been given (once again, only by God’s grace). I had an amazing support system consisting of parents and grandparents who loved the Lord and me, not to mention my spiritual family at Church of the Covenant. Calvinettes, Sunday School, corporate worship. The fellowship of other believers became such a source of strength for me. Bible study with my grandfather throughout my teen years (often focusing on the book of Romans) is one of my most treasured memories as a teen. Every time we read Romans 7:13-25 I was reminded of my ugly heart. Paul’s words in those verses were the ever present words that had been written on my heart. Each time I read it, I felt that the book was written specifically to me. The more I read Romans, the more I was convicted and saddened at my failure and sin. My heart ached, and I was truly grieved. My Grandad and I often wept together when we read that chapter. I grew to have a deeper understanding of my sin and struggled, “warring against the law of my mind” (vs. 23). As I grew older, the spiritual revelation God gave me had only made me realize more how odious and sinful my heart were. There was so much pressure to do indulge in behaviors that were not of the Lord. There was temptation, and I soon discovered that the blissful days of childhood were fleeting. Being a young Christian woman was more difficult than I ever expected. I made mistakes, I fell flat on my face and sinned daily over and over again. I encountered long, tedious battles of spiritual warfare. My sin grieved me so, and I often had doubts about “being worthy” of Christ’s love. I went through such a horrible time for several years. Much of my sin had left me scarred and miserable, feeling worthless. I struggled for years with depression and feeling unworthy of Christ’s love. I still had my support system, my grandparents, my parents and brothers and sisters in Christ, but I felt so ashamed of who I was that it became nearly impossible for me to face my brothers and sisters in Christ. I didn’t want anyone to see how sinful my heart was. I knew I was saved, but I had doubts. How could Christ love me? How could a Father who laid down His life for me and gave me the most important gift in life, love a child who scorned Him, who slapped Him in the face on a daily basis? The fact of the matter was, I was relying on myself. I wasn’t using the support system God had provided for me. I forsook the “gathering together of the saints,” sending myself even more quickly into the downward spiral I had been headed in.
God has been so good to me. Even now, as I sit here and type the words on this page, my eyes well up with tears when I consider His endless love for me. I am His child. He chose me, not of my own merit (obviously), and my heart is overflowing today with thankfulness. For years, I have been just like Adam and Eve, hiding amongst the trees, ashamed of my sin, cowering and wishing that God wouldn’t see me, trying to “do things my way.“ In recent months, my Lord and Savior has been so incredibly merciful to me and opened my eyes to the fact that no matter how sinful, disgusting and disgraceful my heart is… I am His forever. I still weep for my sin, but I so often weep with joy now at His infinite love for me. “My cup runneth over.” I still hate my sin so much and pray for grace daily to honor God and put away my transgressions, but I realize now that there is nothing I can do to save myself. What a blessing for that revelation!
One of my favorite books has become “Principles of Conduct” by John Murray. There is a chapter that speaks of law and grace. In it Murray says, “The simple truth is that if law is conceived of as contributing in the least degree towards our acceptance with God and our justification by Him, then the gospel of grace is a nullity. And the issue is so sharply and incisively drawn that, if we rely in any respect upon compliance with law for our acceptance with God, then Christ will profit us nothing.” Grace is not a nullity; God’s grace has saved me. Praise God!! I am His, and He is mine. “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God” (Eph. 2:8,9).
1 comment:
I am so proud of you and so thankful to God for the work He has done in your life. We too look forward to seeing His plan unfold for your life.
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