Grateful

It's been a long time since I've been here.  Hard to believe my last post was 2012.  I have 4 lovely children now.  Life is different to say the least.  I'm homeschooling, my husband travels a lot...a lot has changed, but a lot hasn't.

I wanted to have this moment on record because I need to be reminded of God's goodness.  I so quickly forget where I've been and more importantly what God has brought me through.  I was just going through a pile of my EOBs from 2011 from our health insurance over the years. (Yes, I keep paper copies of everything. I'm old school.  What can I say?)  Any way, as I read over the literally dozens of claims that were paid out (or appealed so that they would be paid out) I was brought back to that time when life looked so bleak.  I remember thinking back then that all I wanted was to be healthy and to stop having to see doctors on a regular basis.  I would have given just about anything.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would have been blessed as I have since then.

From what I've read online (and once in awhile I still google it to see if anything new comes up) I have never seen a story like mine.  I've never seen someone with a uterine AVM go on to have as many successful, drama-free pregnancies as I have.  I'm overwhelmed today by God's mercy, and I'm totally convicted of my faithless, sinful, worrying heart.  In spite of my fears and anxieties God chose to bless me in ways I never would have imagined.  The glory is all His.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)

Welcome to the world, Elspeth Diane!

On March 7, 2012 we welcomed our first daughter Elspeth Diane (aka "Baby Girl," Petunia," "Elsie"). the pregnancy and delivery were flawless. Praise God!

Mercy

Last week, December 7th, my husband, my son and I grieved the loss of our beloved Walter again. It has been one year, and sometimes it is still so fresh. It just doesn't seem that long ago...

We decided to get a grave blanket for Christmas and his birthday. Believe it or not, we are only just now considering his headstone. (I cannot describe to you how hard it is to pick your child's headstone. There is something so final about it). I anticipated a very difficult situation at the cemetery. The last time I had spent any real time there I realized how bad it was for the sake of my soul and planned to stay away for awhile, but I needed - I wanted to do this.

God granted us the perfect weather to reflect our emotions that day. It was dark, raining heavily and cold. I was not prepared at all for what was in store for us that afternoon.

Aron put the grave blanket down, while Ethan ran around looking at and touching everything. We'd spent enough time there for him to know it was "baby Walter's grave," not that he knows fully what that means. I don't know that a 2 year old can comprehend death. Aron and I stood there,our hands intertwined looking down at where our second son's soulless body was buried, and just when the tears were really about to flow, I asked Ethan to stand by us. He took my hand, swung from it and began to sing, and at that moment the child inside me began to move vigorously. What a mix of emotion - grief and sadness for my Walter, but an overwhelming flood of gratitude and love. My husband held my right hand, my son held my left, and our next child was making his/her presence known in my womb. I was totally and completely overwhelmed in that moment by His grace, love and mercy. It was an extraordinary beautiful and warm moment in the midst of our sorrow. The three of us sang a hymn together and headed back to the car. When we got into the car, we wept. None of this was easy exactly, but God was present. There was no doubt about it.

Cranberry Pistachio Biscotti (Healthified)

For anyone who gets the All You Magazine, the December issue has some very promising holiday recipes. I saw this one and had to try it.

I did make a couple changes to make it healthier (substituted whole wheat flour for the all-purpose, egg whites for the whole eggs and I used organic cane sugar).  It is super easy and delicious.

I'm excited to try some of their other recipes!

Apples and Ketchup...

Do go together

Blessings

It's about 10pm.  I just sat down at my desk because I felt like blogging.  I stared at the empty computer screen for awhile, and then I stared some more.  So I thought to myself, I have nothing to say.  No tales of Emergency Room visits, tests, hospital visits, or any other kind of drama.  I am healthy.  My baby is alive and kicking (all day long today, fiercely even), my son is healthy, and so is my husband.  All of it is so much more than I could have ever asked for.  Peace in this house tonight.  Just peace and quiet.

I've been thinking lately about where I was a year and half ago.  It seems like a century ago.  All I wanted then was to stop bleeding, to raise my son and live.  I wasn't asking God for babies, material things or really anything like that.  I just wanted to live, and I wanted to be healthy again.  

I couldn't imagine then that this is where I might be today.  I am more than just alive.  We are expecting another baby in March, my husband is working close to home (so we get to see him more), Ethan is healthy and happy (for the most part at least ;) ), and I am healthy.  God answered my prayers and then some.

So tonight, while I have no dramatic news, I have an answer to prayer, even better than what I'd hoped.  My heart is full, and God is good.  And tonight, I'm feeling so blessed and thankful for the lack of drama.   

Well done, good and faithful servant

I still cannot fathom that there is a living, healthy, growing baby swimming around in me right now.  I suppose that is just a normal feeling after a couple of losses.  It is hard to believe sometimes, but I cannot deny the little kicks and punches I'm feeling in my belly.  It is a strange but familiar feeling.  It doesn't feel real, but then it does at the same time.  I'm sure that doesn't make sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me.

This pregnancy has definitely been different than the others.  It has been harder.  Some days, even though I'm 18 weeks, I still feel like I'm in my first trimester.  As exhausting as it is, that fact has been a comfort.  I know things are going the way they are supposed to.

I love this baby, and it makes me wonder, how is that possible?  How can you love someone so much that you've never met?  It is amazing the way God has designed the bond between a mother and child to begin long before they ever meet one another face to face.

I have never seen God (obviously), and I've never heard his voice, or felt his touch, but I do know He is there.  There is so much evidence in my own life alone that has proven that fact to me on a daily basis.  He preserves, protects me, and allows me to wake up and live everyday.  He has given me multitudes more than I've ever needed or deserved and prevented me from having so many things that I wanted but shouldn't have had.  I have never been deprived by Him.

If I'm amazed at how much I love this baby, how much more amazing is it that God loves me the way He does?  There are days when we give in to our children.  We might give in because we just love seeing them happy even if it only lasts for a minute or we are exhausted and just want to hear them stop whining.  Sometimes we give in, and it just plain isn't good for them.  I am God's child, and I whine too.  I whine for things that I want because I want them, even if they aren't good for me.  But God NEVER gives in when it isn't good for us.  He is a Father who loves us enough not to give us everything we whine for, and he does it BECAUSE He is good.

It is such a painful, difficult thing to watch your child suffer or get hurt.  We know though that it shapes their character.  They need to fall off their bike a few times, to get boo boos, to lose their soccer game, to get socked by another toddler because they grabbed a toy from another boy's hands.  We know that it will prepare them for the harder times that they will encounter later on in life: rejection, loss, failure.  Our Father, the One who loves us even more than we love our own babies, doesn't like to see us in pain either, but He knows we need it to grow.  Can He stop the pain?  Can He prevent the loss?  Could He make us succeed instead of allowing us to fail?  Of course He can, but He loves us enough not to.   

I buck against Him and His plans for me, but deep inside I know whatever those plans are, they are for my good.  And let's be honest, I have learned the hard way, what other choice do I have?  I can't change His plans for me, so should I wallow in sadness and pity or bitterness and anger, or allow myself to be stretched, broken, to ultimately grow?  It has taken me way too long to realize I need to let go of my desire to be in control.  I know He loves me enough to allow me to suffer because He wants me to grow.  I know He wants me to grow ultimately to be more like Jesus.  And I know it is all part of His master plan to prepare me for Him and so that one day I will see His face and He will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." (Matthew 25:23 ESV)