Goodness in Death

Some days I cling tightly to Christ, and I feel His presence so strongly.  Some days it is more difficult to rely completely on Him, to trust Him.  I am learning so much about my Savior lately.  Now, as I wait for my appointment to see the specialist I do find my thoughts wandering.  I am 1 out of billions of people.  Because what I have is so rare, there have not been very many people before me who have been treated for it.  Every possible scenario or outcome has run through my head.  I'm going to be very transparent here.  I've envisioned going to the doctor, having them run tests and being astounded because the avm has shrunk.  I've imagined dying on the table during surgery, and I've even imagined somehow getting this thing fixed, getting pregnant and making history by becoming the first woman with a uterine avm to have a full term vaginal birth with twins.  (I know.  I know.  This may be a little far-fetched, but I've seen God work miracles).  Some of my imaginary scenarios thrill me, and some of them scare me to death.  But you know what?  God is really doing a work in my heart.  He truly is because I am finding that even when I contemplate the worst case scenarios, He brings the TRUTH to my mind. He puts the memory in my mind of all the promises He's made to me and kept already.  Realistically, I should have died during my miscarriage or even during my D&C.  For some reason He has seen fit to preserve my life thus far.  "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." (Romans 8:28).  I was blessed that He revealed to me the "goodness" that came from my miscarriage.  It is bittersweet.  Losing the baby was horrible, but finding out that I may be alive because of it - well, it is overwhelming.  


We are so afraid of death.  Some of us are afraid of cancer, car accidents, a heart attack, plane crashes, choking to death, suffocation, or some other fatal disease or illness.  Yes, there are many many ways to die, too many to count.  We could contemplate them all day long.  Some of us are comforted by "odds."  What I mean by that is we might comfort ourselves by saying, "Well, that won't happen to me. Plane crashes are so rare" or, "I'm in perfect health.  The doctor says my heart sounds and looks great," or, "Cancer doesn't run in my family.  Everyone in my family has lived to be in their 90s."  Then there are others of us who are waiting, expecting something horrible around every corner.  We're just waiting for that freak accident to take us, or we see a doctor regularly (I'm not talking just regular appropriate checkups) just hoping to catch a problem before it catches us, or maybe we just think about dying everyday, wondering when it is coming.


There is no true comfort in "odds."  We don't know if we are going to be in the minority or the majority.  There is no way of knowing if we are the person who is going to live to be 100 or the person who is hit by a car while crossing the street.  Please understand.  I am not saying this for the sake of being morbid.  My point is that no one knows, no matter how young or old, healthy or sick, when our last day is.


Today is the first day that I think I really get this concept.  There is nothing that I or even the greatest physician in the world can do to preserve my own life.  I can exercise and try to eat right, and those things are great.  We should take care of and honor our bodies as God has commanded us to (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), but nothing we do can save us.  I want to merge these two concepts together: God is always always good to His children, no matter what our circumstances are, and God is the one who gives us life and chooses when it is time to take it away.


Why then should I be afraid of death?  If God is good all the time, then isn't He also good to me in my death? None of us can run away from dying.  In fact our birth and death has been predetermined.  "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5).  So if my time to die is today, tomorrow or 50 years from now it is good.  Whenever it is, it will be the perfect time because God is always good.


"And again,

“I will put my trust in him.”

And again,

“Behold, I and the children God has given me.”

  
Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.  For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham.  Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.  For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."  (Hebrews 2:13-18)

"Brethren, I know no man dies willingly, - no man living can have an habitual inclination to close cheerfully with this dissolution, -- but by looking upon it as a means to come to the enjoyment of Christ.  I tell you, your bodies are better to you than all the world, than all your goods, or any thing else.  But Christ is better to the soul than any thing: and therefore, unless it be for the enjoyment of Christ, let men pretend what they will, there is no man willing to part with the body, -- to be dissolved.  Grow in that desire of coming to Christ, and you will conquer the unwillingness of death." 


-- John Owen, The Works of John Owen, Vol. IX, p. 349

A Poem

This has been a favorite of mine for as long as I can remember.  My Grandmother had it on her refrigerator when I was growing up.  For obvious reasons, I've reflected on it quite a bit recently:

I may never see tomorrow
There's no written guarantee
And things that happened yesterday
Belong to history.

I cannot predict the future
I cannot change the past
I have just the present moment
I must treat it as my last.

I must use the moment wisely
For it soon will pass away
And be lost to me forever
As part of yesterday.

I must excercise compassion
Help the fallen to their feet
Be a friend unto the friendless
Make an emply life complete.

The unkind things I do today
May never be undone.
Any friendships that I fail to win
May nevermore be won.

I may not have another chance

On bended knee to pray,
And I thank God with humble heart
For giving me this day.

Unknown Author

Coincidence or Providence? (Part 2)

This is going to be a long one so brace yourself.

Since the D&C in December up until about a week ago, there has been no significant length of time that I haven't been bleeding on some level.  I kept telling myself it was my hormones, that my body was just trying to adjust after losing the baby.  I WANTED to think that I was being paranoid.  As it turns out I wasn't being paranoid at all.

Back when I miscarried, the ultrasound that showed there was no fetal heart rate anymore also caused the radiologist to be suspicious I had a bicornuate uterus.  This isn't a life threatening condition, but it can be serious enough that it will sometimes inhibit the survival of a baby in the uterus.  To put it simply, a bicornuate uterus is heart-shaped uterus with a septum running down the middle that can cut the uterus in half, thus not leaving enough room for a baby to develop in the womb.  Sometimes, if it is severe enough, it will cause miscarriages.  So, back to my point.  When my doctor read the report and saw suspicion of a bicornuate uterus, he told me to get an MRI a couple months after the miscarriage when my uterus was back to its normal size to investigate this possibility.

On Wednesday of last week I had the MRI done, which uncovered the cause of all of my medical issues and miscarriage in the last few months. The results of that MRI have determined that I have what is called a Uterine AVM (Uterine Arteriovenous Malformation).

I'm sure you have never heard of this condition before. (If you have, I am astounded). AVMs are usually found in the brain or other parts of the body. Uterine AVMs are so rare that there have only been about 100 cases reported throughout the world. It is a life threatening condition in which a section of blood vessels lacks capillary network, resulting from an artery being delivered directly to a vein. This places pressure on the vein, which over time, may weaken and burst causing a hemmorage. It is believed this condition may be congenital or acqured. (This definition was taken from an excerpt at (http://members.tripod.com/~Cath_Fisher/uterineAVM.html). To put it bluntly, if not discovered quickly enough these AVMs can be fatal.

Now, let's back track.  Most likely, my miscarriage was caused by this Uterine AVM.  Here is the kicker though.  Had I NOT had a miscarriage and carried the pregnancy much longer, there is a very good chance, according to my doctor, that I would have hemmoraged and died.  Coincidence or providence?  (That's rhetorical).

Let's go back to the MRI now.  Pay attention now.  The reason I went for the MRI was because an ultrasound showed the possibility of bicornuate uterus.  Well, the MRI showed that there are NO signs of bicornuate uterus.  That MRI was COMPLETELY providence.  Had the radiologist not made the mistake of seeing a bicornuate uterus I may never have had that MRI.  Had I not had the MRI, I may not have discovered I had a Uterine AVM.  Had I not discovered I had a Uterine AVM...you get the picture.

Let's go back to the D&C now.  It is a well known fact that when a woman has a Uterine AVM, it is just about the riskiest and worst thing to do a D&C.  The results can be catastrophic.  My hemmorage after the D&C was most likely caused by the Uterine AVM.  As a side note, in all fairness to my doctor, there is really almost no way he could have known I had a Uterine AVM at this point.  This condition is so rare, that I do not know if any doctor would have thought my bleeding during this miscarriage was caused by it.  I am just grateful that God guided his hands so that he was able stop the bleeding.  Knowing now how a D&C could have been fatal for me at that point - I realize God spared my life yet again that day.  Coincidence? No way.

Sheer providence.  All of it.  I have left out several other examples, that are equally as incredible as those listed above, of God's providence during this time, because they involve other people.  I want to respect their privacy so I do not want to mention any names.  But isn't this enough?  My life was spared over and over again.  The only reason we came to my diagnosis was because of a "mistake" a radiologist made.  What a wonderful mistake that was!  After all of this, I just cannot understand how anyone could even WONDER if there is a God.  This post only covers a few examples over the last 3 months of His obvious existence and love and mercy.  I could go back throughout my life and list example after example.

Today, I am just overcome by Him.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

Coincidence or Providence? (Part 1)

I'm going to venture away from my usual topics today.  I have been avoiding writing anything about this subject due to its deeply personal nature, but I feel that I can no longer omit it as it has become such a huge part of my daily life.

I suffered a miscarriage in December of last year (2009).  I learned I was pregnant in November and had heavy bleeding with large clots for about 4 weeks before we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat.  Yes, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through.  After some episodes of severely heavy bleeding, several ultrasounds, trips to the doctor, a visit to the emergency room and weeks of praying, God in His mercy took our little one home to be with him.  On December 23rd, I went in for a scheduled D&C to remove the tissue that my body was not passing.  When I was being prepared for surgery they took my temperature and discovered I was beginning to run a fever.  The nurse informed me that had I waited much longer I may have been in a very serious situation.  In God's providence He spared me from a possibly dangerous infection.

When I came out of anesthesia and saw the doctor standing in front of me he told me that I lost an unusual amount of blood after the procedure but assured me that the procedure had been successful.  This is one of the most amazing examples of God's providence during this ordeal, but I'm not going to explain why just yet.  You will read about this more later on.

Losing my baby was the most painful trial I have ever experienced.  But here I am 3 months later, and just a few days ago God has blessed me by allowing me to see just a glimmer of his amazing, unfathomable providence.  My miscarriage probably saved my life.

My God Is So Big

I woke up this morning with the song "My God Is So Big" in my head.  I've been reciting the lyrics all day: "My God is so big.  So strong and so mighty.  There's nothing my God cannot do."  I do not remember when my mother taught us this song, but I remember singing it often growing up (as well as doing all the hand motions that go along with it).  Perhaps you're familiar with it.  It is, after all, a children's classic.  

I'm 27, and now that I'm a parent I find myself reflecting often on ways to teach and submerge my son in Scripture and learn who his Savior is.  As I look back on my life I have often noticed that many of the Bible verses I have memorized I have learned through songs that my mother taught and played for us.  Some of my favorites are Romans 8:28, Lamentations 3:22-23,  and Romans 3:23.  I can even still remember the tunes that go along with them.  

Because I see how effective this method was in my life, I plan on using it with my son as well.    Thanks to Ethan's Gran, we will be using the Hermie and Friends series.  It is available for purchase here http://www.hermieandfriends.com/index.asp?view=music.  We've been listening to these since Christmas, and I've been very pleased with them.

I think it is extremely important to remember that the point of memorizing Scripture isn't just for the sake of being able to rattle verses off.  While we are teaching our children about Jesus, they need to know that it isn't just memorization for the sake of memorization.  They need to KNOW Jesus, to understand the Scripture they are memorizing.

There are several reasons for Scripture memorization, and as we enter different stages of our lives we will find that knowing God's Word is absolutely key to living truly happy and fulfilling lives.  It is the key to truly KNOWING God, the One who has given us life and breath.  I will never understand how anyone, after knowing that their very existence hinges on our Creator, would not WANT to know Him better.  If there is anyone in this life that we should want to invest our time in, why wouldn't it be Him?  I confess that I fail in this area of my life.  My priorities do not always put Him before anything or anyone else.  I pray that He would work in my heart to change that.  I pray also that He might spare my son from inheriting such a sinful quality from me.

In recent months, I have been challenged.  My faith has been challenged, and one of the greatest comforts and reminders of God's promises to me has come from those Scriptures that I have memorized since I was a child.  In this example alone, the effort that my parents put in to teaching us God's Word has paid off.  I have had some extremely low days and moments, and it has been God's awesome promises that have lifted me up. 

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28)

"Let not your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God; believe also in Me." (John 14:1)

There are many others, but these two stand out in my mind today.  I am often fearful about my current health situation, but my husband is quick to remind me of the truth and who my real Healer is.  I hope and pray that this time in my life teaches me to remember always, even in the darkest moments, that my God is so big, strong and mighty there is nothing He cannot do.  

Why I Won't Have a Garage Sale Ever Again

I used to think that having a garage sale was a great way to make a little extra cash (just enough for my husband and I to go to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner :) yum). I thought it was worth all of the time spent gathering my stuff up and setting it up outside, sitting all day trying to sell it and then at the end of having to put whatever was left away.  Every year I ended up having more to put out because I would have to put the previous garage sale leftovers with all of the new stuff I wanted to get rid of.

And then my neighbor told me about www.lupuspickup.org.  Now, maybe everyone already knows about this.  Maybe I'm the last one to find out.  All I know is thanks to www.lupuspickup.org I will never have a garage sale again.

All you have to do is take ANYTHING you have that you want to get rid of, and when I say ANYTHING I mean ANYTHING.  You can go to their website and schedule a pickup online, or you can call the Lupus Pickup phone number at 1-888-44-LUPUS.  You schedule the pickup, leave all of your stuff outside your garage door or front door at 7am the morning they are coming for the pickup and they come by at some point that day and take it away for you.

It is so simple, and there are so many benefits.

1. You are donating to a good cause.
2. It's a tax write off (this is my favorite benefit).
3. You don't have to set everything up for a garage sale and sit there all day (sometimes in very hot weather or muggy, rainy weather), and you don't have to put anything away.  They will take anything you want to give them.
4. This is a great opportunity to do some spring cleaning and "decluttering."

No more garage sales for me!