I've been saying for the last couple of months that I'm going to get back to blogging, but truth be told, I think I've just been too lazy to do it.
I don't think I've updated since my last post about my AVM symptoms returning. Apparently, I don't know my own body at all and God is very VERY gracious. My doctor sent me for a second scan since my surgery, and the AVM is virtually non-existent. I went to see the high risk OBGYN in New York recommended to me by Dr. Rosen, and he did a saline ultrasound to see how much scar tissue I had left over from the surgery. The assumption was that in order for us to get the "green light" to go ahead and get pregnant, he would see how much scar tissue there was and remove whatever he could. (If there is too much scar tissue, it would put me at a greater risk of having a postpartum hemorrhage at the time I deliver our next baby). Well, yet again, in God's providence there wasn't even any scar tissue to be removed! The doctor said, "If you hadn't told me you had ever even had an AVM I wouldn't have known it was there." There wasn't even a remnant of anything left.
We went home with a tremendous gift that day. We were allowed to go ahead and "be fruitful and multiply."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Another One
I know I'm going a little crazy here with the videos, but music is such a huge part of who I am. It moves me in a way that I cannot explain. Had to post this one.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Here We Go Again
In the last week I've had the flu, an upper respiratory infection, a sick toddler and the return of my AVM symptoms, all while my husband has been away on business. Aron and I are both thankful for the assistance of friends and my Mom. I really appreciate getting to live so close to my parents during times like these. My Mom or my sister-in-law will just scoop Ethan up from me and take care of him for days at a time. It is such a huge blessing. Then there's our friend Natalie, who as soon as she hears that I'm having any trouble is quick to offer to visit with me, make us a meal or do absolutely anything I might need help with. Family and friends - I don't know what I would do without them.
I have been a little discouraged recently, especially with the AVM symptoms. I really thought this was all behind me. I mean in the back of my mind I knew there was a chance it could return. There is no guarantee that the surgery will work for the first time, but I guess it was all such a nightmare I was very quick to hope that those days were over. It is actually not uncommon for a woman to have to have the surgery a second time. I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category.
I'm jumping the gun a little in saying all this because I haven't had the tests done yet to confirm that the AVM is what my problem is, but I do know that what I'm experiencing is pretty much identical to what I experienced before the last time I needed the surgery. I wish it was just my imagination. Unfortunately, it is very real.
Anyway, on to more positive thoughts. Today I had a little breakthrough. I've been pretty down between being so sick, Aron being away for work, not being able to go for a run in 8 days (yikes!) and the pain and bleeding that are associated with the AVM. I will admit that I was fighting back tears all morning (okay, I may have lost the fight a couple times). I was having a really tough time. But I've been talking to God a lot today and I guess talking to myself too. I've been asking God for grace and mercy, that He would do a work in my mind so that I will continue even during all of this to focus on Him and find my fulfillment in Him. I've been asking Him to grant me that amazing peace and joy that we find in Him no matter what trials we are experiencing. And God in his abundant love has been so good as to answer my prayer almost instantly. Already today I've been feeling his incredible presence. Believe me - I am struggling. This isn't just an easy quick fix. It requires some work on my part as well. I have to keep reminding myself of His promises to me. I've been singing hymns and reciting Scripture to myself, but I am so grateful yet again that I already feel how near He is.
I have just been finding so much in the last few weeks that the more I immerse myself in Him, the closer I grow toward Him. And that is what I want so much more than anything, more than I want to be able to breathe. I am starving for more of Him all the time. I just want to be full of Christ so much that I'm bursting at the seams. I want Christ to be spilling out all over my life and touching everyone around me. And it seems that the more I get the more I want. It will never be enough.
My comfort today has been that some day this will all be over, and when it is I will finally meet God. I will finally be face to face with this increible, unfathomable, all-consuming, omniscient, perfect, holy, just, loving and magnificent God who has done things in my life that are so incredible I can barely comprehend it.
Give me Jesus.
I have been a little discouraged recently, especially with the AVM symptoms. I really thought this was all behind me. I mean in the back of my mind I knew there was a chance it could return. There is no guarantee that the surgery will work for the first time, but I guess it was all such a nightmare I was very quick to hope that those days were over. It is actually not uncommon for a woman to have to have the surgery a second time. I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category.
I'm jumping the gun a little in saying all this because I haven't had the tests done yet to confirm that the AVM is what my problem is, but I do know that what I'm experiencing is pretty much identical to what I experienced before the last time I needed the surgery. I wish it was just my imagination. Unfortunately, it is very real.
Anyway, on to more positive thoughts. Today I had a little breakthrough. I've been pretty down between being so sick, Aron being away for work, not being able to go for a run in 8 days (yikes!) and the pain and bleeding that are associated with the AVM. I will admit that I was fighting back tears all morning (okay, I may have lost the fight a couple times). I was having a really tough time. But I've been talking to God a lot today and I guess talking to myself too. I've been asking God for grace and mercy, that He would do a work in my mind so that I will continue even during all of this to focus on Him and find my fulfillment in Him. I've been asking Him to grant me that amazing peace and joy that we find in Him no matter what trials we are experiencing. And God in his abundant love has been so good as to answer my prayer almost instantly. Already today I've been feeling his incredible presence. Believe me - I am struggling. This isn't just an easy quick fix. It requires some work on my part as well. I have to keep reminding myself of His promises to me. I've been singing hymns and reciting Scripture to myself, but I am so grateful yet again that I already feel how near He is.
I have just been finding so much in the last few weeks that the more I immerse myself in Him, the closer I grow toward Him. And that is what I want so much more than anything, more than I want to be able to breathe. I am starving for more of Him all the time. I just want to be full of Christ so much that I'm bursting at the seams. I want Christ to be spilling out all over my life and touching everyone around me. And it seems that the more I get the more I want. It will never be enough.
My comfort today has been that some day this will all be over, and when it is I will finally meet God. I will finally be face to face with this increible, unfathomable, all-consuming, omniscient, perfect, holy, just, loving and magnificent God who has done things in my life that are so incredible I can barely comprehend it.
Give me Jesus.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Life on the Road
I have had a lot of people ask me what it is like living out of a hotel for several months at a time. There are two ways to look at it: it is both difficult and good.
There are some nice aspects to living in a hotel. We stay at extended stay hotels usually, which means there is a kitchen in our room. This makes it seem a little more like home because I can keep food in the fridge, and I can cook. Another good thing: having a maid clean everyday. Now, some people might see this as a great thing, and yes, it certainly is at times, especially when I was having so much physical difficulty over the last year. It was a tremendous blessing not to have to clean during that time....but I guess I could say there is a bit of a drawback. My standard of cleanliness is a little more picky than most people. I'm a "clean messy" person. In other words, I am very picky when it comes to vacuuming and dusting and sanitizing. Some days I was tempted to call the front desk and ask if I could borrow a vacuum, a mop and a bottle of Windex. It's not even just that I'm picky, but I actually LIKE cleaning. I know, I know...it sounds crazy. On the other hand, I tend to make "piles" all over the place. I have a pile of receipts here, a pile of clothes there, and a pile of coupons over in the other corner. I'm not terribly gifted when it comes to being organized.
Another plus is that we had our own bedroom. At the time that we were living in the hotel we had a bedroom for ourselves, a living room, a kitchen, and Ethan got to have his own room. When we would come home to NJ, Ethan's crib was still in our room. It was nice to have that bit of space and privacy at the hotel. It was more like having an apartment than living in a hotel room.
Our hotel also provided an evening meal Monday through Thursday. It was always sort of a light meal like tacos or soup and salad. We didn't usually take advantage of this, but it was nice to have it available to us if we wanted it. (An obvious added benefit to this is that it would have helped save on our food costs).
Now for the difficult aspects: it just isn't home. While this may be true, when we are away from home I am constantly trying to find ways to "bring home with us." One way to do this is to bring candles. I had them lit for dinner time or for when Aron came in from work. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of buying scented candles, and I'm not sure Aron really appreciated the heavy aroma. (Sorry, honey, I had to include this because it is slightly amusing).
Another way to make it feel more like home is to bring table linens. Had our hotel not provided placemats and cloth napkins I would have brought my own. When we are at our permanent home we always use cloth napkins and placemats. Dinner time is such an important time of day for the entire family. It should not just be a time to eat but a time to talk, relax, and enjoy one another's company. The table should be a warm and engaging place. One way to elicit this kind of response is to create an inviting atmosphere, hence the usage of table linens. When I'm at home I also like to keep some kind of centerpiece on the table for decoration, whether it be a bowl of fruit or a glass vase with some colorful stones in it and a candle in the center. I also like to use my Grandmother's doilies - I'm fortunate enough that I married a man who appreciates my traditional side. I like to bring a small set of speakers to play music on also. I play music at home a lot, so it only makes sense to play it wherever we're staying.
Life on the road can also be lonely. I make it a point to try to stay in touch with friends. This could mean emailing, text messaging or phone calls. Most importantly, we make it a point to get together with our friends whenever we can when we are home. Sometimes we are tired and want to relax when we are home, but nothing beats getting to have some quality time with the people we love. It is so refreshing, and I think living in a hotel has caused us to treasure those friendships even more so than we did when we were still living at home.
So, in answer to the comment that we so often hear "Wow. Living in a hotel. That must be rough..." Yeah, it is difficult, but it certainly has made us appreciate "home" that much more. Also, you've heard the saying "Home is where the heart is." That is why when we are away from our own house, I try to make sure I bring a little bit of home with us, and all it takes are a few easy, creative ideas.
There are some nice aspects to living in a hotel. We stay at extended stay hotels usually, which means there is a kitchen in our room. This makes it seem a little more like home because I can keep food in the fridge, and I can cook. Another good thing: having a maid clean everyday. Now, some people might see this as a great thing, and yes, it certainly is at times, especially when I was having so much physical difficulty over the last year. It was a tremendous blessing not to have to clean during that time....but I guess I could say there is a bit of a drawback. My standard of cleanliness is a little more picky than most people. I'm a "clean messy" person. In other words, I am very picky when it comes to vacuuming and dusting and sanitizing. Some days I was tempted to call the front desk and ask if I could borrow a vacuum, a mop and a bottle of Windex. It's not even just that I'm picky, but I actually LIKE cleaning. I know, I know...it sounds crazy. On the other hand, I tend to make "piles" all over the place. I have a pile of receipts here, a pile of clothes there, and a pile of coupons over in the other corner. I'm not terribly gifted when it comes to being organized.
Another plus is that we had our own bedroom. At the time that we were living in the hotel we had a bedroom for ourselves, a living room, a kitchen, and Ethan got to have his own room. When we would come home to NJ, Ethan's crib was still in our room. It was nice to have that bit of space and privacy at the hotel. It was more like having an apartment than living in a hotel room.
Our hotel also provided an evening meal Monday through Thursday. It was always sort of a light meal like tacos or soup and salad. We didn't usually take advantage of this, but it was nice to have it available to us if we wanted it. (An obvious added benefit to this is that it would have helped save on our food costs).
Now for the difficult aspects: it just isn't home. While this may be true, when we are away from home I am constantly trying to find ways to "bring home with us." One way to do this is to bring candles. I had them lit for dinner time or for when Aron came in from work. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of buying scented candles, and I'm not sure Aron really appreciated the heavy aroma. (Sorry, honey, I had to include this because it is slightly amusing).
Another way to make it feel more like home is to bring table linens. Had our hotel not provided placemats and cloth napkins I would have brought my own. When we are at our permanent home we always use cloth napkins and placemats. Dinner time is such an important time of day for the entire family. It should not just be a time to eat but a time to talk, relax, and enjoy one another's company. The table should be a warm and engaging place. One way to elicit this kind of response is to create an inviting atmosphere, hence the usage of table linens. When I'm at home I also like to keep some kind of centerpiece on the table for decoration, whether it be a bowl of fruit or a glass vase with some colorful stones in it and a candle in the center. I also like to use my Grandmother's doilies - I'm fortunate enough that I married a man who appreciates my traditional side. I like to bring a small set of speakers to play music on also. I play music at home a lot, so it only makes sense to play it wherever we're staying.
Life on the road can also be lonely. I make it a point to try to stay in touch with friends. This could mean emailing, text messaging or phone calls. Most importantly, we make it a point to get together with our friends whenever we can when we are home. Sometimes we are tired and want to relax when we are home, but nothing beats getting to have some quality time with the people we love. It is so refreshing, and I think living in a hotel has caused us to treasure those friendships even more so than we did when we were still living at home.
So, in answer to the comment that we so often hear "Wow. Living in a hotel. That must be rough..." Yeah, it is difficult, but it certainly has made us appreciate "home" that much more. Also, you've heard the saying "Home is where the heart is." That is why when we are away from our own house, I try to make sure I bring a little bit of home with us, and all it takes are a few easy, creative ideas.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Worlds Apart
Almost 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. That was the day my body began going through the process of miscarrying my little one, and that was the day my world started to "tear apart."
I was listening to Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart" today. Since the moment I first heard it it has carried a special significance for me, but today I was overwhelmed even more so than I usually am by it. I couldn't listen to it without getting emotional. And today I realized something was different. I was just completely awe struck with the fact that God has done so unbelievably much in my life recently.
The last several months have been by far some of the most difficult of my life, but I am also convinced that the last several months have played a tremendous role in my growth as a Christian. I can say with confidence that "sanctification-wise" this has been one of the most influential periods of my life. I have never loved Christ as much as I do today. God has used the loss of a child, life threatening medical issues, personal struggles with fear and anxiety, a large stack of medical bills on my desk and being faced with the possibility that I may not have anymore children to truly "take my world apart."
I feel His presence so strongly today. Honestly, I don't know if I would be in this place spiritually had I not been brought to my knees the way I have. But I know His truth, THE truth. I know that His purposes are greater than mine, and I know that the purpose of this life isn't for me to get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after (not that there's anything wrong with that). No, it is so much greater than that. My purpose is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him. I have always struggled with letting go and giving certain areas of my life to Him. There has been so much I've wanted and so much that I think I just - expected. But my life is not my own, and the harder I tug and hold on to the things that are so valuable and precious to me, the more He is gently loosening my grip. I am really beginning to see the beauty of God's plan for me and the beauty of giving in and giving it all to Him.
Here is an excerpt of "Worlds Apart" that really got me reflecting on all of this:
"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"
I was listening to Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart" today. Since the moment I first heard it it has carried a special significance for me, but today I was overwhelmed even more so than I usually am by it. I couldn't listen to it without getting emotional. And today I realized something was different. I was just completely awe struck with the fact that God has done so unbelievably much in my life recently.
The last several months have been by far some of the most difficult of my life, but I am also convinced that the last several months have played a tremendous role in my growth as a Christian. I can say with confidence that "sanctification-wise" this has been one of the most influential periods of my life. I have never loved Christ as much as I do today. God has used the loss of a child, life threatening medical issues, personal struggles with fear and anxiety, a large stack of medical bills on my desk and being faced with the possibility that I may not have anymore children to truly "take my world apart."
I feel His presence so strongly today. Honestly, I don't know if I would be in this place spiritually had I not been brought to my knees the way I have. But I know His truth, THE truth. I know that His purposes are greater than mine, and I know that the purpose of this life isn't for me to get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after (not that there's anything wrong with that). No, it is so much greater than that. My purpose is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him. I have always struggled with letting go and giving certain areas of my life to Him. There has been so much I've wanted and so much that I think I just - expected. But my life is not my own, and the harder I tug and hold on to the things that are so valuable and precious to me, the more He is gently loosening my grip. I am really beginning to see the beauty of God's plan for me and the beauty of giving in and giving it all to Him.
Here is an excerpt of "Worlds Apart" that really got me reflecting on all of this:
"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Dear Mom...
You carried me for 9 months in your womb, 9 months of morning sickness and a hospital stay for dehydration. You survived the sleepless nights and thousands of dirty diapers. You wiped my tears when I cried. I scraped my knees and you kissed my "boo boos." You sang to me. You sang with me. You held my hand. When I was afraid you made me feel safe. You have been my encourager, my protector, my disciplinarian, my biggest supporter. You were there for every soccer game, every concert, every school play, every emergency room visit and every adolescent disaster. You sacrificed so much so that I would never have to be without. You prayed...and prayed...and prayed...and prayed. You knew when to say yes. You knew when to say no (even when you didn't want to). You knew when it was time to let go. You juggled 4 children, a job, a home, a husband, being your parents' caretaker, the PTA, church committees, being the girls youth group leader, and you somehow still always managed to have time for me. You always made me feel special. You listened to my problems, and though they were so small at the time, you loved me enough not to minimize them. You gave the best advice. I could trust you with anything. When I suffered, so did you. You have wept silent tears for me that I still do not even know about. You have listened to my fears, reassured me, and reminded me that God is always in control. You have hugged me and made me feel loved for as long as I can remember.
Being a mother myself now I am sure there is so much you have done for me that I am not even aware of. But of what I know, I am in awe. You are deserving of so much honor. You did it all, and you did it with a smile. I am amazed, and as I raise my own child I am learning even more everyday just how much you have done for me. I am so grateful that God chose YOU to be my Mom.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:28-30)
You truly have the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. I am praising God for you today. Thank you for being my Mom.
Love,
Megan
Being a mother myself now I am sure there is so much you have done for me that I am not even aware of. But of what I know, I am in awe. You are deserving of so much honor. You did it all, and you did it with a smile. I am amazed, and as I raise my own child I am learning even more everyday just how much you have done for me. I am so grateful that God chose YOU to be my Mom.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:28-30)
You truly have the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. I am praising God for you today. Thank you for being my Mom.
Love,
Megan
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